I Miss You

because its late, I can't sleep and because he consumes my every thought lately, I figured I'd write about my husband. He's the one my soul was born to search and find. My only true regret in life thus far would be not knowing him longer, not becoming his wife sooner.  When he asked me for the first time. That afternoon in his bedroom when we were 18. My eyes were closed and he had just placed two diamond studs in my ears, then he fastened a bracelet to match on my wrist. "open your eyes" He said. I will never forget that day, or the look on his face when my eyes opened. A face only he could make. god i love his face There he was standing in front of me, the man of my dreams! about to ask me the biggest question I'd ever have to answer.  He had just enlisted in the army, about to leave everything he's ever known for basic training and asking me to be his wife. He needed me...
   I'd only known him a year, if that, but he had won me over since day one. We met at a high school football game. We connected and it was powerful, but we were also young and still so reckless.
    In not so few words, I said no to him. I said no to my gutt . we cried and we said goodbye. . For years we watched each others lives pan out via social media. Sometimes things were sweet and sometimes they were sour. We each experienced other relationships and in between, he would let me know when he was coming home. We never stopped yearning for one another. We were soul mates.
   Unfortunately, like most things in life I had to learn this the hard way. I had to find myself, really it took a lot longer than i thought, to be completely honest I dont think Im done. I believe some people are just born knowing who they are and the others, well we take a bit more persuading.  But its nice to finally be to be here, now, enjoying the journey. those years without him were so brutal and unkind.  I hit what any 23 year old at the time and given situation would call "rock bottom". I remember a strong desire to talk him. I longed for him so badly, but it had been a good two years since we had spoke, i honestly couldn't even remember if we were on good terms or not. I just knew I needed him. I sent a text to the only number I've ever known him to have "Cody" . I will Never forget his speedy reply. "Hello Beautiful"  excuse me while i type the rest of this through tears. 

Two months later he came home on leave and asked me if I was going to marry him yet. A month later we got married in a river on a sunny afternoon in July. Moved to Texas in January, got pregnant in February and became parents to our daughter Liberty Grace in November. He deployed 5 short months later and here we are now, 2 months away from being reunited. Im kinda freaking out.

The Freshly Wedded Whites

I miss him. I miss him so much its starting to hurt, I cannot wait to have him back in my life.  How am I supposed to get through these days that linger between us... They feel like the slowest days and the longest nights. Much like the nights before he left, but at least I had him there to hold tight those nights.

I want to spend all my yesterdays and all my todays and all my tomorrows with you. this life and the next and if there is a next. each time finding each other sooner than before. i will never grow tired of loving you.

Real Talk

I've been in a strange mood lately. The cheery Christmas spirit comes and goes. I want to do everything and nothing at all.  I dont really know what to do with myself, I can't seem to find motivation to do much of anything. anything of importance that is  Sometimes spontaneity gets the best of me and we end up somewhere doing something..   I've got too many thoughts racing about.. good and bad. happy and sad. all at once all the time. 

Each day is just a day closer to being back with Cody. My mind is so far ahead of my body at this point...

coffee understands

I feel so vague. if thats even a feeling 

Thank God for this girl right here ^^^^^ she keeps me on my toes & she loves me no matter what.  She shines through the dull moments. my constant reminder to "lighten up"  . the Lord knew exactly what he was doing when he chose me to be the mother of this soul and he timed it just perfectly. I couldn't imagine doing this without her. 

Sunday Chatter

Im finally letting Autumn leaf... I mean leave, because its here... last day of November. Tomorrow is December, absolute winter. The first day of the last month of the year. the end of 2014. Just like that, next year will be here. Today in all its simpleness was a very good day. We woke up to sunshine at 8. I actually didn't make coffee first thing because the thought of coffee without cream was not motivating enough- and thats what I was working with for the second day in a row. I only have myself to blame.  Liberty and I just had a morning of music, books and bubbles. We got a surprise skype call from OP all the way from Puerto Rico.  Liberty actually interacted with him this time, that was a sweet treat. Then there was nap time which equaled  long hot shower time for me!  Later on Tio came by to visit with some creamer in hand! He made what wasn't even a bad day wayy better. I said to hell with it and made a pot coffee at 3pm, it was damn gooood. We indulged in some much needed catching -up while Liberty reorganized the tupperware lids.  With a caffeine high and some teamwork we brought all the christmas goodies down from the attic.

 Once he said his goodbyes, the beeb and I decided we needed a bit a fresh air and that a quick trip to Goodwill before the sun set would beneficial to us. We got there with only 40 minutes to spare! but of course we were right and left with some goodies. After we were home and she was fed, bathed and sound asleep I was left alone with my lingering caffeine buzz and spent the rest of the evening listen to christmas music while transitioning the house from a warm, thoughtful fall escape to a cheery & cozy little christmas oasis. I am pleased. Nana should be too when she returns home from her FIVE day long trip away to see her mama. oh how good it will be to have her back. I am so thankful for her and all the help she provides... speaking of thankfulness, heres one last hoorah for fall and some pictures from the thanksgiving weekend before everything is spammed with christmas & possibly snow -_-

the feast. 

the selfie

the hike

gameday. 

Bring it on winter. We're ready for ya.

We're Hooked

I used to wonder what lucky little item my Liberty would be attached to and what cute name she would call it..
 - We all had something right? I had my Bubby Blanket, my husband his Silkies,  my brother had his Pongo Puppy.. some kids cling to a paci for years or suck their thumbs.
I wondered if shed drag her fuzzy pink blanket behind her everywhere she goes or would it be the yellow one? Would she chew on the corners of it until it fell apart like I did? Maybe she would take to one of the many stuffed giraffes she has acquired over the year- forever hugging its neck so that the stuffing shifts & it flops over.
She used a pacifier for a few short months, but quickly caught on to our intentions of hushing her I'm sure of it. She's one smart cookie! Its a good thing too, was prepared to tell her the boogie man was going to camp out under her bed until she gave them up!

The other day I realize that I was her thing.She is attached to me, I am attached to her.  After all, she was inside me for the first 9 months of her life. She is my thing. I couldn't have been happier with that realization. I waited my entire life for motherhood. If you had asked me at any age growing up what I wanted to be and I would have told you "a mommy".  I want to be more connected with this, I need to hold fast to it on the tough days because here I am doing exactly what I wanted to do- loving and being loved by my child. God is good.

Sunday I was at a good friends baby shower (unable to take Liberty because she has been under the weather since her birthday party.. I left her with nana & had to sneak away.. anyways)  I didn't know anyone other than my friend & her mother and thats okay, but I felt out of my comfort zone. I wanted something familiar. I remember thinking "what am I doing here without my baby? she's my buddy! we do everything together!"   I missed her. I can't enjoy my time away from her, I don't know how some mamas do it!

I didnt choose this lifestyle, it chose me. It sure as hell ain't always easy, but it will always be worth it. I also know that it wont always be just the 2 of us, this time is special. I want to be extra present in our time together.I am all shes got right now and this is our time of bonding. I want her to know that she can always count on me.

We cosleep. We breastfeed. We babywear.  I know it wont always be this way but for the time being I'm going to enjoy every sweet moment of it. She is my everything and for now I am her entire world. I will bask in it!!!!

One.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but another year flew by. I can say with complete certainty that this has been the fastest, most challenging, most fulfilling year of my 25 year life.
Moment by moment. day by day.. the year crept by. slowly & causally. before I knew it, one whole year has gone by, it's November 17th again. The one year anniversary of the birth of our daughter, my motherhood, the start of an entirely new life. I cannot wait to live the next year with the mister by my side- I'll never let him go again...

I feel more like a mama bear raising my very wild cub.  As Liberty baked away in my belly, I would sit rubbing my stretching skin, making mommy decisions and daydream about her face & how life would soon be.. I know nothing can truly prepare you for motherhood (and i wasn't much into reading mommy prep books and online research overwhelms me), but thought I had a pretty good idea of how things would pan out..YEAH right.
 It wasn't until she was here in my arms did that I WAS BORN FOR THIS feeling kicked in. I'm not at all saying it came easy those transition weeks were fucking hard but it just felt right.  Theres something so primal and down to earth about motherhood. I love it, I say that a lot. because its true! I look forward to the future. I am pumped up with the thought of possibility and growth headed our way :) 




Liberty is nonstop - she get it from her daddy. She attacks life and studies it with such focus, she doesn't miss a thing. Walking since 9 months. She would kick a ball around all day if I let her. very coordinated-  this girl can run...and climb, so climb she does. chairs, couches, her stroller, the windowsills... She rises with the sun & tires at it sets. nowadays I only get one nap out of her, it can last anywhere from one to three hours. god i love those 3 hour naps. sometimes i even start to miss her! just for a moment. Her vocabulary is impressive and it grows everyday. Shes my little parrot, mimicking everything. Today, I kid you not, the girl is saying "birtday!".   Happiest when music is playing, she'll clap, throw her hands in the air and stomp her feet. We do a lot of dancing at this house. She thrives outside. Sun on her face and fingers in the dirt - she get it from her mama. I'm not quite sure what we will do this winter when we are trapped inside - still trying to figure out how I can convince her to hibernate with me.... 

In the past year I have perfected performing one  handed and have mastered the art of multitasking. I function on an amount of sleep I didnt dare think possible and have fallen deeply, madly in love with coffee. I embraced my messy hair and got rid of my heels. I've seen every My Little Pony episode and Baby Einstein is theme song to my day. Pajamas are my uniform of choice and I have no idea where my bras are. I still stand firm in my opinion that during those 9 months of a woman's first pregnancy, a 3rd arm should grow along with our bellies, out of some convenient location to aid in the obstacles to come. It wouldn't even be weird, it would be normal and awesome. The men would be so jealous of our third arm.

happy first year little lemon, you brighten my days.

one day i will get around to organizing my thoughts and write her birth story, until then they will remain precious memories shared with my husband & mother .xo

Breast Thing Ever!!

In two short days I will have reached my goal of one full year of breastfeeding- No formula, no pumps, no bottles. Just her, myself and the boobs. A year was the goal, I had no idea I would be doing it exclusively. This girl is simply uninterested in food (another blog post entirely)
  Can I just bask in this for a moment..... This girl is healthy & smart, so damn smart its almost scary and to think, it's all fueled by breast milk. I tell ya, there's nothing like it, natures perfect design, a concoction of love & nutrition. Changing as she grows, giving her all that she needs to thrive. liquid gold. A gift from God.

 I remember those first days in the hospital after she was born. They were for healing and for learning how to breastfeed ( because lets be real, you don't get to sleep) I learned that a proper latch is nothing to mess around with. oh gosh, I remember the pain & frustration, every. two. hours. I thought I was prepared, I was excited to nurse her.. but it quickly faded -I felt helpless, then finally, the lactation consultant came to pay me a visit on that last day in there. With magic hands, she grabbed my boob and stuck it in the screaming babes mouth - instant silence.. without pain. It was epic. I bawled my eyes out and babled "thank you's". I let out sighs of relief and enjoyed breastfeeding for the very first time. I'm pretty sure I told her I loved her.

That fifth day at home, the day my milk came in, it was glorious and miserable all at once. I jumped out of bed and ran out to the living room, where my approving husband, amused mother & forever hungry newborn awaited to declare " holy milk jugs! I have boobs!" They were so full of that milky goodness she could barely get her tiny mouth to open wide enough to latch and god forbid she unlatched... milk shower to the face!

Lets talk about the nipples. The chapped, sometimes bleeding, dry, cracked sore nipples during those first weeks.. You have to push through it and continue to nurse. Every feeding was a meditation. A rhythm of deep breaths and tears.  I wanted, no I needed to do this for my baby. for myself. "This wont last forever," I would chant silently. Nipple cream became my best friend .  tip: use it after every single feeding! There were so many sleepless evenings of nursing for hours on end. I had to figure out the difference between her feeding or just using me to pacify herself . Liberty was a frequent feeder in those beginning months, eating every hour sometimes. it was hard to enjoy it at that point. I was exhausted all the time, covered in spit up, usually topless, and unshowered.. what a time of adjustment it was..

It took about 6 months before I was able to breastfeed in public places without breaking into a cold sweat and hiding under a tarp. Its second nature now. I dont need to advertise or give warning anymore, I simply feed her and half the time folks dont even notice. Sometimes I sneak away for a some privacy, especially in a crowded or louder environment because she has the tendency to become distracted & unlatch. Thats people get flashed...

I absolutely, positively love breastfeeding! I mean, aside from being a wife and mother - its my life.  I want other mamas to feel the same about it. It's challenging , yes. Its also so rewarding. The bond formed during those early morning feedings still snuggled up in bed with my calm baby is indescribably. I understand that for some it is more difficult. Every mama is as different as every baby and you have to find what works for you , and your family, but that shouldn't stop you from trying! Every little bit of time you spend breastfeeding your little one is beneficial- for both of you!  I get so sad when I hear about new mamas giving up too soon or not trying at all... you truly miss out on something beautiful. I will never scold or judge the mamas who quit. I will encourage them and respect whatever decisions made because us mamas gotta stick together!


always with the hair....

I don't know what the heck I will do when our time breastfeeding is over with... It's going to be quite devastating.. I honestly cant even think about it yet. for now am one very tired, very proud, very happy mama bear.

Managing a Micromanager

This has taken some time to actually admit to myself and others. I know it will come as a shock to my near & dear ones <<SARCASM  but I am a control freak. not so much the loud, aggressive HERE I AM  kind of control freak, but the gentle, persistent, behind the scenes -do it the right way or don't do it at all (and when i say right way i mean my way. (because in all honesty, i know you know that at the end of it all, it really is the best, most efficient way) )[see what i mean..]  

I am a creature of habit. I always will be. 

I do not want to micromanage my daughters life. this is SO important to me. I am terribly fearful of driving a wedge between us by being too controlling. I feel like I am constantly telling her "no".  I HATE IT  She tests me now, constantly. I am not ready to discipline her, I dont even know where or how to start!  I feel like consistency is an important factor when raising a child. I know I want to talk with her, not at her or for her. This is a change that has to happen within myself as well. We are both learning.  I want to teach her boundaries and reason with her, then let her make her own decisions.  I want to hold her hand and gently guide her through life, not give her a list of do's & don'ts with a how-to manual. I know she is only still a baby, so it probably sounds silly to most folks, but from day one we are building a foundation for these little souls,  We only get so many year of this before they fly the nest & years go by so quickly once they enter the world.
I want her to feel free to fill her life with the purest desires of her heart.

I know Cody is enjoy a much needed break from my hovering and constant correcting. I don't do it with foul intentions, honest. It's not that I'm trying to say "no stop! you're wrong. do it this way" ..... okay. well, maybe I am..... I just feel like if I can contribute to making your life a bit easier, well then why not do so. Muffin, if you read this ever, thank you for accepting this about me and putting me in my place when it needs to be done. you are my balance - in so many more ways than you will ever know. I vow to be more conscience of my actions and not so much up your ass. BUT PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HANG UP YOUR WET TOWEL AFTER YOU SHOWER XO I'm sure he had just about lost his marbles when it came to me and my habit ... I really wouldn't even call it a bad habit, just something that I need to be aware of, something I need let go of sometimes. something I would like to have control of , rather the other way around. Admitting it is the first step right??

 

First Snow.

Today we slept in- until 9:30. I woke up feeling rested for a change.  Its November now, Liberty's birth month.  I can hardly remember what we did yesterday, but I recall the day she was born like it actually was yesterday. This has been the fastest year of my life.  In seventeen short days she will turn one before my very eyes!! How do I even find words to sum up all the feelings that go along with that realization? ....I'm still searching for them... 

To say I have learned so much in this past year would be a grave understatement, I am a completely new person! I mean, yes I'm a mama bear now, but deeper. I am a renewed being. 

The the moment I found out I was pregnant with our first baby I knew I would never be the same. this was the BIGGEST change. Pregnancy was easy for me, with no complications. Then labor, contractions.... that last push. it was everything I had left after pushing for an hour and half already. I was not going to give up, not on this. I surrendered it all and I DID IT! 

I'm still me. the me I've always been deep down to my core. but it has blossomed! I feel more me than ever before. There is always work to be done, always room for improvement, but I am finally happy with the direction I am traveling.   I see things different and more clearly. I feel things differently too. 

take today for example. 

IT SNOWED. yesterday, all the windows in the house were open. The breeze was perfect, it smelt like fall. We wore shorts & t-shirts until the sun went down then we pulled out the sweaters and lit a bonfire. Today it was below 40 when we woke up and then, the rain turned to snow before our very eyes. Huge, fluffy, friendly looking flakes. they buzzed around everywhere, almost in a panic like they knew once they hit the ground they would be goners, melted instantly because the ground was still so warm. still clinging to bits of summer I'm sure of it. A few of the weiser ones landed in our hair and eyelashes or found a flower petal and got a few moments of rest before vanishing.

Know this about me, I was not made for winter. I do not like it, not one bit. I can jump into the spirit of the season and all the things that go along with winter... but the unforgiving, bone clenching cold.. no. just no. I have done my time in the northern parts and if I never see another New England winter again, thats just fine by me. I really, really don't like snow. 2 years ago I would have shaken my fists and said to this snow "i hate you snow in november" but today there was something comforting about it, I smiled and enjoyed it. It was refreshing, this first snow on the first of november. It was the earliest snowfall ever recorded for south carolina. 

So we just kept our pajamas and socks on all day. We napped a bit, watched Dead Poets Society, drank hot beverages, ate cheerios & leftover monster-mash (split pea soup  (always better the next day)) until the day was done. 

So much is different now. So many things will change. This is life on earth and I am becoming okay with that.

wilted leaves & stormy seas.

Change , thats all life is.  It only matters how you react, how you respond . 

I do not respond well to change. I never have. it overwhelms me.  I am much like a tree, in that I just want to be planted in a beautiful place preferably by a stream  surrounded by beautiful and simple things. I want to grow my leaves and deepen my roots. I want raise my branches in praise. I wish to watch the sun shine and the moon beam. I like consistency and appreciate organization.
so how -dare i say- funny, that my soul mate is a soldier. our entire life is change. we are constantly being replanted  and if you know anything about the army, you know the only thing consistent is how inconsistent & unorganized it is.  
Have you noticed a plants reaction after you've transplanted it from the pot it grew in, to the ground it will thrive in? It goes though a bit of a transition period, before it looks happy and healthy, it experiences a state of shock, the leaves wilt. You have to saturate it with water, prune some leaves.. speak some encouraging words. Give it time. 

Life is change, army life is a whole new world of it.
Life changes like the seasons, army life... it changes like the seas.

Right now we are in a particularly kind, understanding and somewhat comforting season, but the seas are unsettling.  An unbearable amount or change is right over the horizon. good and bad, exciting and terrifying. unfortunately my nerves can't tell the difference and my body is flooded with anxiety. My evenings are filled with sleepless thought. I've developed this lump in my throat that I cannot swallow. My tears are right there, just waiting for a trigger word.  I dont even know how to explain it, I have so many thoughts wizzing around in my head I've been finding it difficult to speak.  How does my mind even connect all these thoughts?! My leaves are wilted.

It is far too easy for me to become consumed with fear and worry at the thought of the unknown- these storm in the distance. In all this change and uncertainty,  I remind myself that each season is made up of days and the seas have their winds - some more powerful than others.  Each day is brand new & the winds unpredictable. It makes it all a bit more manageable - one day at a time. I will enjoy each breeze as it blows by because its only here for this moment. I will ready myself for storms as they brew with the comforting thought that they too will pass, just like all the others. Each one teaching me something new. I will choose to pray and not worry, I will trust in God and stay focused on the things important to me. I only want to strengthen my roots, wherever they may be. I know theres a patch of soil on this earth thats just for me and my little family.
 God will plant me when and where He sees fit.

Trust. Pray. Wait.

Think Happy Be Happy.

I have said it once, I will say it many more times. Happiness is as much a choice as it is a feeling.
Folks often refer to how strong they think I am or make comments on my positive attitude during these "difficult times" (when I say difficult, I'm not only referring to the deployment & the aching hole in my heart, but even bigger, the reality of the nasty cruel world we live in and the fact that I have to raise a child in it.) 
All I can say back is simply, "I choose it". Some people seem surprised by the response. I'm not strong, but God is. I'm not anywhere close to being a textbook christian, all I can say for sure is that I can't justify living any other way. God made me a promise, and I to him. He has stated it clearly that he will never break that promise, so will spend the rest of my days trying to honor my word. God wants good things for us! More often than not, I'd say its usually better and much different than we would have envisioned for ourselves. - doesn't that intrigue you?
  Its is all too easy to get caught up in the horrors or this world. Getting wrapped up in worry is kind of a specialty of mine, but the beauty of it is, that I don't have to. I can make the conscience choice to turn my worries into prayers and send them up to my heavenly father. He's just sitting there waiting for them- probably wondering why we haven't spoken to him about it sooner.

THINK HAPPY. BE HAPPY. 

keep in mind these 20 truths. Read them daily if you have to!
1. Faith is the ability to not panic.
2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray you don't worry.
3. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so he can untangle the knot.
6. Do the math. Count your blessings. 
7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
8. Dear God: I have a problem, It's me.
9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
10. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
11. The most important things in your home are the people. 
12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.
13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
14. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
15. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
16. We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy the precious moments.
17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise its just hearsay.
18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush it when you are done.
19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. the goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. 
20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

LIVE SIMPLY, LOVE GENEROUSLY, CARE DEEPLY, SPEAK KINDLY, LEAVE THE REST TO GOD.

these are the truths I apply to my life. these are the truths I will pass on to my daughter.

Doctors Orders

This week was challenging, I'd say its was comparable to an inexperienced and out of shape shoe maker scaling a mountain, a snowy mountain, during a snowstorm, without a coat.

Last Sunday, the little and I both woke up feeling a bit under the weather. Monday didn't bring much relief. Liberty decided to manufacture snot like it was going outta style. I have never seen a nose run so much. I on the other hand, suffered from the opposite problem and dealt with serious fatigue and sinus headaches. Lets go ahead and add  teething to the list, and the diaper rash from hell that wouldn't clear up despite all my most genuine attempts.

if you know me, you know I hate going to the doctors. its not like I hate the person in the white coat with stethoscope in hand- they paid their dues, they went to school and im sure most of them genuinely care about your well being... but theres just something about going, waiting for 30 minutes, seeing a doctor for 10 minutes and then getting a bill in the mail for $160 that  makes me die a little inside. Fortunately for me, I rarely ever become ill, and on the off chance its time for my bi annual cold, I would much rather rest up, pop vitamin C, drink water & soak up sunshine. When all else fails, google holistic remedies.  Anything but go to the doctors.

Its no longer just me.

Ashamed to admit, but it got to the point where my mother had to step in after frustrating failed attempts to cure my child myself to remind me that it's not about me , its about my daughter and her health, her comfort, her quality of life. 

So sometimes, tho I cringe to say, when TLC and holistics fail, the situation calls for a professional. This situation just so happens to be called Liberty and the never ending rash. I swallowed my pride and took her to the doctors. She ended up being diagnosed with a double ear infection topped off with a yeast rash in her mouth and diaper.  They loaded us up with medicated butt cream and antibiotics to be administered 4-5 times daily for 7 to 10 days. 

Talk about discouraging....  

My mom reminds me that this is motherhood - it isn't always sunshine and giggles, also that she was here to help me. Her and I make a pretty good team because its not easy to hold down a banana hating, strong willed child and get her to swallow banana flavored antibiotics against her will.
 All I can do is hope you are getting enough, that this isnt all for nothing... I hate watching you in discomfort.  I hate pumping your tiny body with medicine. please get better soon.

What if I had waited longer to go seek professional help? What if I decided to go against my mothers judgment and not take her in at all... how bad would it have gotten? I know I'm not a bad mother, -after all I was trying . It just doesn't make me feel like a good one ... the thoughts hit me hard. 

God remindes me that sometimes, no matter how hard we try... we simply cannot do it without help,

I just know setting aside my selfishness and learning to push away my pride is going to be something I will struggle with again & again. If I conquer anything in this life I want it to be motherhood. She is my life now. The life God gave me to care for, body and soul. I want a life for her better than I can even imagine on my own. A life only God can help me give her. I admit that I struggle, I accept that my flesh is evil and strong, at times too strong for me to handle on my own. It requires a daily surrender over to God. It requires constant TLC. 

We will never be perfect, but we can be healthy and happy. Body and soul.

 and thats basically the same thing. 

Pumpkin Post

 Yesterday was for cuddles and clouds. Today was for pumpkins and sunshine with this little pumpkin.

Fall showed up in full force this morning. A crisp, windows open, socks on kinda morning. I love filling the house with fresh fall air. Theres something so motivating about it. 

a pile of pumpkins is just about as happy as it gets! I wanted them all! i need to just grow a pumpkin patch- seriously. After inspecting quite a few we left with the perfect first pumpkin  of the season cause lets face it, there will be more. and a bushel of crimson mums to compliment, 

finished the night by baking up some shepherds pie with a side of cider for mama bear. 

Hello October

ahh, i love the beginning of a new month, especially a fall month. October is so refreshing.

as i've mentioned before, i've been struggling with living in the here and now. i'm so caught up with thoughts of the future. the mister coming home, moving again and again, all the planning that goes along with it.. my mind races with questions like "should we stay in the army? where will we live?" where do we want to live? what do we want out of life....?!?!" i think about having a home, where that home will be, do we want another baby? when?.. Liberty's first birthday and homeschooling, the holidays.. I make list after list.. I get stuck scrolling on one social network or another.. pinning this, pinning that, sinking further into my restlessness and discontent ... its all too easy. insanity is the definition of doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.. im tired of this madness.  im tired of trying to figure it on my own. I choose God and I choose happy! I prayed and went to Target ( they sell happy at Target) 

"someday is no way to live your life." 

highly recommend the book, not just to mamas but to anyone who shares the struggle. it's designed to be a year long journey to a "hands free" way of life. sounds intriguing right?  take the trip with me!

so hello to october and hello to now. I don't want to miss the moments of today because i was too busy trying to prepare for tomorrow. 

LET GO and LET GOD.  He alone is my Jehovah Jireh. My provider and He's never let me down. So in the words of Carrie Underwood "Jesus take the wheel" cause i'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride from here on out.   

we are just vapors in the wind. 

Life Lately

its fall. AND national coffee day.

and i am so happy about that.

dont get me wrong, i love summer too, like a lot, but theres just something about autumn.. you can't help but fall in love with it. everything about it says "love me! i'm so cozy!" If autumn was a person, we would be besties. I'm sure of it. & Coffee... oh don't even get me started on that love affair... 

A good friend, the babe and myself celebrated the transition of seasons with a little weekend getaway to Hilton Head.  Libertys very first beach trip! Its wasn't exactly "beach weather" but we made the best of it all the same. A little overcast wasnt about to keep us cooped up! It was a nice change of pace, a much needed get away with a friend. Lots of laughs and fulfilling conversation, a walk on the beach and babies first saltley splashes. She loved the sand between her toes, squealing with joy with every step.

 not only was it a fabulous vacation, but saturday was the mister's birthday!!! 

WE MISS YOU DADDY!

As wonderful as the trip was, it is always good to come home. Good to get back in the swing of things, back to whatever kind of routine we have- if you can call it that. It's funny how it only takes a few days to get homesick. I will never be a traveler and I'm okay with that. 

Watch out pumpkin spice everything .. i get "paid" on wednesday and i'm coming for you.

also, Sleep Station on Pandora is pretty awesome.