Sunday Chatter

Im finally letting Autumn leaf... I mean leave, because its here... last day of November. Tomorrow is December, absolute winter. The first day of the last month of the year. the end of 2014. Just like that, next year will be here. Today in all its simpleness was a very good day. We woke up to sunshine at 8. I actually didn't make coffee first thing because the thought of coffee without cream was not motivating enough- and thats what I was working with for the second day in a row. I only have myself to blame.  Liberty and I just had a morning of music, books and bubbles. We got a surprise skype call from OP all the way from Puerto Rico.  Liberty actually interacted with him this time, that was a sweet treat. Then there was nap time which equaled  long hot shower time for me!  Later on Tio came by to visit with some creamer in hand! He made what wasn't even a bad day wayy better. I said to hell with it and made a pot coffee at 3pm, it was damn gooood. We indulged in some much needed catching -up while Liberty reorganized the tupperware lids.  With a caffeine high and some teamwork we brought all the christmas goodies down from the attic.

 Once he said his goodbyes, the beeb and I decided we needed a bit a fresh air and that a quick trip to Goodwill before the sun set would beneficial to us. We got there with only 40 minutes to spare! but of course we were right and left with some goodies. After we were home and she was fed, bathed and sound asleep I was left alone with my lingering caffeine buzz and spent the rest of the evening listen to christmas music while transitioning the house from a warm, thoughtful fall escape to a cheery & cozy little christmas oasis. I am pleased. Nana should be too when she returns home from her FIVE day long trip away to see her mama. oh how good it will be to have her back. I am so thankful for her and all the help she provides... speaking of thankfulness, heres one last hoorah for fall and some pictures from the thanksgiving weekend before everything is spammed with christmas & possibly snow -_-

the feast. 

the selfie

the hike

gameday. 

Bring it on winter. We're ready for ya.

We're Hooked

I used to wonder what lucky little item my Liberty would be attached to and what cute name she would call it..
 - We all had something right? I had my Bubby Blanket, my husband his Silkies,  my brother had his Pongo Puppy.. some kids cling to a paci for years or suck their thumbs.
I wondered if shed drag her fuzzy pink blanket behind her everywhere she goes or would it be the yellow one? Would she chew on the corners of it until it fell apart like I did? Maybe she would take to one of the many stuffed giraffes she has acquired over the year- forever hugging its neck so that the stuffing shifts & it flops over.
She used a pacifier for a few short months, but quickly caught on to our intentions of hushing her I'm sure of it. She's one smart cookie! Its a good thing too, was prepared to tell her the boogie man was going to camp out under her bed until she gave them up!

The other day I realize that I was her thing.She is attached to me, I am attached to her.  After all, she was inside me for the first 9 months of her life. She is my thing. I couldn't have been happier with that realization. I waited my entire life for motherhood. If you had asked me at any age growing up what I wanted to be and I would have told you "a mommy".  I want to be more connected with this, I need to hold fast to it on the tough days because here I am doing exactly what I wanted to do- loving and being loved by my child. God is good.

Sunday I was at a good friends baby shower (unable to take Liberty because she has been under the weather since her birthday party.. I left her with nana & had to sneak away.. anyways)  I didn't know anyone other than my friend & her mother and thats okay, but I felt out of my comfort zone. I wanted something familiar. I remember thinking "what am I doing here without my baby? she's my buddy! we do everything together!"   I missed her. I can't enjoy my time away from her, I don't know how some mamas do it!

I didnt choose this lifestyle, it chose me. It sure as hell ain't always easy, but it will always be worth it. I also know that it wont always be just the 2 of us, this time is special. I want to be extra present in our time together.I am all shes got right now and this is our time of bonding. I want her to know that she can always count on me.

We cosleep. We breastfeed. We babywear.  I know it wont always be this way but for the time being I'm going to enjoy every sweet moment of it. She is my everything and for now I am her entire world. I will bask in it!!!!

One.

I'm not exactly sure how it happened, but another year flew by. I can say with complete certainty that this has been the fastest, most challenging, most fulfilling year of my 25 year life.
Moment by moment. day by day.. the year crept by. slowly & causally. before I knew it, one whole year has gone by, it's November 17th again. The one year anniversary of the birth of our daughter, my motherhood, the start of an entirely new life. I cannot wait to live the next year with the mister by my side- I'll never let him go again...

I feel more like a mama bear raising my very wild cub.  As Liberty baked away in my belly, I would sit rubbing my stretching skin, making mommy decisions and daydream about her face & how life would soon be.. I know nothing can truly prepare you for motherhood (and i wasn't much into reading mommy prep books and online research overwhelms me), but thought I had a pretty good idea of how things would pan out..YEAH right.
 It wasn't until she was here in my arms did that I WAS BORN FOR THIS feeling kicked in. I'm not at all saying it came easy those transition weeks were fucking hard but it just felt right.  Theres something so primal and down to earth about motherhood. I love it, I say that a lot. because its true! I look forward to the future. I am pumped up with the thought of possibility and growth headed our way :) 




Liberty is nonstop - she get it from her daddy. She attacks life and studies it with such focus, she doesn't miss a thing. Walking since 9 months. She would kick a ball around all day if I let her. very coordinated-  this girl can run...and climb, so climb she does. chairs, couches, her stroller, the windowsills... She rises with the sun & tires at it sets. nowadays I only get one nap out of her, it can last anywhere from one to three hours. god i love those 3 hour naps. sometimes i even start to miss her! just for a moment. Her vocabulary is impressive and it grows everyday. Shes my little parrot, mimicking everything. Today, I kid you not, the girl is saying "birtday!".   Happiest when music is playing, she'll clap, throw her hands in the air and stomp her feet. We do a lot of dancing at this house. She thrives outside. Sun on her face and fingers in the dirt - she get it from her mama. I'm not quite sure what we will do this winter when we are trapped inside - still trying to figure out how I can convince her to hibernate with me.... 

In the past year I have perfected performing one  handed and have mastered the art of multitasking. I function on an amount of sleep I didnt dare think possible and have fallen deeply, madly in love with coffee. I embraced my messy hair and got rid of my heels. I've seen every My Little Pony episode and Baby Einstein is theme song to my day. Pajamas are my uniform of choice and I have no idea where my bras are. I still stand firm in my opinion that during those 9 months of a woman's first pregnancy, a 3rd arm should grow along with our bellies, out of some convenient location to aid in the obstacles to come. It wouldn't even be weird, it would be normal and awesome. The men would be so jealous of our third arm.

happy first year little lemon, you brighten my days.

one day i will get around to organizing my thoughts and write her birth story, until then they will remain precious memories shared with my husband & mother .xo

Breast Thing Ever!!

In two short days I will have reached my goal of one full year of breastfeeding- No formula, no pumps, no bottles. Just her, myself and the boobs. A year was the goal, I had no idea I would be doing it exclusively. This girl is simply uninterested in food (another blog post entirely)
  Can I just bask in this for a moment..... This girl is healthy & smart, so damn smart its almost scary and to think, it's all fueled by breast milk. I tell ya, there's nothing like it, natures perfect design, a concoction of love & nutrition. Changing as she grows, giving her all that she needs to thrive. liquid gold. A gift from God.

 I remember those first days in the hospital after she was born. They were for healing and for learning how to breastfeed ( because lets be real, you don't get to sleep) I learned that a proper latch is nothing to mess around with. oh gosh, I remember the pain & frustration, every. two. hours. I thought I was prepared, I was excited to nurse her.. but it quickly faded -I felt helpless, then finally, the lactation consultant came to pay me a visit on that last day in there. With magic hands, she grabbed my boob and stuck it in the screaming babes mouth - instant silence.. without pain. It was epic. I bawled my eyes out and babled "thank you's". I let out sighs of relief and enjoyed breastfeeding for the very first time. I'm pretty sure I told her I loved her.

That fifth day at home, the day my milk came in, it was glorious and miserable all at once. I jumped out of bed and ran out to the living room, where my approving husband, amused mother & forever hungry newborn awaited to declare " holy milk jugs! I have boobs!" They were so full of that milky goodness she could barely get her tiny mouth to open wide enough to latch and god forbid she unlatched... milk shower to the face!

Lets talk about the nipples. The chapped, sometimes bleeding, dry, cracked sore nipples during those first weeks.. You have to push through it and continue to nurse. Every feeding was a meditation. A rhythm of deep breaths and tears.  I wanted, no I needed to do this for my baby. for myself. "This wont last forever," I would chant silently. Nipple cream became my best friend .  tip: use it after every single feeding! There were so many sleepless evenings of nursing for hours on end. I had to figure out the difference between her feeding or just using me to pacify herself . Liberty was a frequent feeder in those beginning months, eating every hour sometimes. it was hard to enjoy it at that point. I was exhausted all the time, covered in spit up, usually topless, and unshowered.. what a time of adjustment it was..

It took about 6 months before I was able to breastfeed in public places without breaking into a cold sweat and hiding under a tarp. Its second nature now. I dont need to advertise or give warning anymore, I simply feed her and half the time folks dont even notice. Sometimes I sneak away for a some privacy, especially in a crowded or louder environment because she has the tendency to become distracted & unlatch. Thats people get flashed...

I absolutely, positively love breastfeeding! I mean, aside from being a wife and mother - its my life.  I want other mamas to feel the same about it. It's challenging , yes. Its also so rewarding. The bond formed during those early morning feedings still snuggled up in bed with my calm baby is indescribably. I understand that for some it is more difficult. Every mama is as different as every baby and you have to find what works for you , and your family, but that shouldn't stop you from trying! Every little bit of time you spend breastfeeding your little one is beneficial- for both of you!  I get so sad when I hear about new mamas giving up too soon or not trying at all... you truly miss out on something beautiful. I will never scold or judge the mamas who quit. I will encourage them and respect whatever decisions made because us mamas gotta stick together!


always with the hair....

I don't know what the heck I will do when our time breastfeeding is over with... It's going to be quite devastating.. I honestly cant even think about it yet. for now am one very tired, very proud, very happy mama bear.

Managing a Micromanager

This has taken some time to actually admit to myself and others. I know it will come as a shock to my near & dear ones <<SARCASM  but I am a control freak. not so much the loud, aggressive HERE I AM  kind of control freak, but the gentle, persistent, behind the scenes -do it the right way or don't do it at all (and when i say right way i mean my way. (because in all honesty, i know you know that at the end of it all, it really is the best, most efficient way) )[see what i mean..]  

I am a creature of habit. I always will be. 

I do not want to micromanage my daughters life. this is SO important to me. I am terribly fearful of driving a wedge between us by being too controlling. I feel like I am constantly telling her "no".  I HATE IT  She tests me now, constantly. I am not ready to discipline her, I dont even know where or how to start!  I feel like consistency is an important factor when raising a child. I know I want to talk with her, not at her or for her. This is a change that has to happen within myself as well. We are both learning.  I want to teach her boundaries and reason with her, then let her make her own decisions.  I want to hold her hand and gently guide her through life, not give her a list of do's & don'ts with a how-to manual. I know she is only still a baby, so it probably sounds silly to most folks, but from day one we are building a foundation for these little souls,  We only get so many year of this before they fly the nest & years go by so quickly once they enter the world.
I want her to feel free to fill her life with the purest desires of her heart.

I know Cody is enjoy a much needed break from my hovering and constant correcting. I don't do it with foul intentions, honest. It's not that I'm trying to say "no stop! you're wrong. do it this way" ..... okay. well, maybe I am..... I just feel like if I can contribute to making your life a bit easier, well then why not do so. Muffin, if you read this ever, thank you for accepting this about me and putting me in my place when it needs to be done. you are my balance - in so many more ways than you will ever know. I vow to be more conscience of my actions and not so much up your ass. BUT PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HANG UP YOUR WET TOWEL AFTER YOU SHOWER XO I'm sure he had just about lost his marbles when it came to me and my habit ... I really wouldn't even call it a bad habit, just something that I need to be aware of, something I need let go of sometimes. something I would like to have control of , rather the other way around. Admitting it is the first step right??

 

First Snow.

Today we slept in- until 9:30. I woke up feeling rested for a change.  Its November now, Liberty's birth month.  I can hardly remember what we did yesterday, but I recall the day she was born like it actually was yesterday. This has been the fastest year of my life.  In seventeen short days she will turn one before my very eyes!! How do I even find words to sum up all the feelings that go along with that realization? ....I'm still searching for them... 

To say I have learned so much in this past year would be a grave understatement, I am a completely new person! I mean, yes I'm a mama bear now, but deeper. I am a renewed being. 

The the moment I found out I was pregnant with our first baby I knew I would never be the same. this was the BIGGEST change. Pregnancy was easy for me, with no complications. Then labor, contractions.... that last push. it was everything I had left after pushing for an hour and half already. I was not going to give up, not on this. I surrendered it all and I DID IT! 

I'm still me. the me I've always been deep down to my core. but it has blossomed! I feel more me than ever before. There is always work to be done, always room for improvement, but I am finally happy with the direction I am traveling.   I see things different and more clearly. I feel things differently too. 

take today for example. 

IT SNOWED. yesterday, all the windows in the house were open. The breeze was perfect, it smelt like fall. We wore shorts & t-shirts until the sun went down then we pulled out the sweaters and lit a bonfire. Today it was below 40 when we woke up and then, the rain turned to snow before our very eyes. Huge, fluffy, friendly looking flakes. they buzzed around everywhere, almost in a panic like they knew once they hit the ground they would be goners, melted instantly because the ground was still so warm. still clinging to bits of summer I'm sure of it. A few of the weiser ones landed in our hair and eyelashes or found a flower petal and got a few moments of rest before vanishing.

Know this about me, I was not made for winter. I do not like it, not one bit. I can jump into the spirit of the season and all the things that go along with winter... but the unforgiving, bone clenching cold.. no. just no. I have done my time in the northern parts and if I never see another New England winter again, thats just fine by me. I really, really don't like snow. 2 years ago I would have shaken my fists and said to this snow "i hate you snow in november" but today there was something comforting about it, I smiled and enjoyed it. It was refreshing, this first snow on the first of november. It was the earliest snowfall ever recorded for south carolina. 

So we just kept our pajamas and socks on all day. We napped a bit, watched Dead Poets Society, drank hot beverages, ate cheerios & leftover monster-mash (split pea soup  (always better the next day)) until the day was done. 

So much is different now. So many things will change. This is life on earth and I am becoming okay with that.