Life Lately

its fall. AND national coffee day.

and i am so happy about that.

dont get me wrong, i love summer too, like a lot, but theres just something about autumn.. you can't help but fall in love with it. everything about it says "love me! i'm so cozy!" If autumn was a person, we would be besties. I'm sure of it. & Coffee... oh don't even get me started on that love affair... 

A good friend, the babe and myself celebrated the transition of seasons with a little weekend getaway to Hilton Head.  Libertys very first beach trip! Its wasn't exactly "beach weather" but we made the best of it all the same. A little overcast wasnt about to keep us cooped up! It was a nice change of pace, a much needed get away with a friend. Lots of laughs and fulfilling conversation, a walk on the beach and babies first saltley splashes. She loved the sand between her toes, squealing with joy with every step.

 not only was it a fabulous vacation, but saturday was the mister's birthday!!! 

WE MISS YOU DADDY!

As wonderful as the trip was, it is always good to come home. Good to get back in the swing of things, back to whatever kind of routine we have- if you can call it that. It's funny how it only takes a few days to get homesick. I will never be a traveler and I'm okay with that. 

Watch out pumpkin spice everything .. i get "paid" on wednesday and i'm coming for you.

also, Sleep Station on Pandora is pretty awesome.

Weeds

Cant live with 'em, can't live without 'em .

At least thats how I feel anyways. Theres nothing more therapeutic for me than going outside in the sunshine and giving the plants a pruning, a the weeds a pulling. barefoot of course. I even find myself at other people's homes wanting to weed their garden.. ( an opportunity to practice some self control, no doubt)  I don't know why I love it so much, I just do. 

Perhaps its in my blood. My grandmother is in my opinion, a Master Gardener. Give her anything green and she will grow it bigger and better than you could have ever dreamed of!

One of my earliest, fondest memories was being outside in my grandmas jungle of a garden, laying under the grapevines, running from the bee's.  I remember digging up the potatoes and how it felt like a treasure hunt. I remember feeling so accomplished after filling up the bucket with those gold & red spuds. We would gather green beans too, then straight to the kitchen to prep them for dinner that evening! Picking blueberries so we could have pie for dessert.. 

She passed her passion along to my mother, who passed it on to me. Not even intentionally, we just all share a love and appreciation for these green beings. When I grow them I feel a connection to them, I'd go so far to say you develop a relationship with your garden. You have to love and care for it daily in order for it to thrive and in return they bare beauty, food, shade, oxygen!  I feel like loving them gives me a bit more purpose. It is good for my soul

I look forward to filling Liberty's life with these simple, meaningful memories. I hope to pass along this passion. I hope she develops the same appreciation, the same love for weeding a garden.

The Power of a Praying Wife

One of the most important things I've learned during these past 6 months of deployment is that you have to consciously remain positive. It is so much more a choice than you would think! I've learned that in order to accomplish this I had to turn my worries into prayers. - If not I would worry myself into a deep dark place Im sure of it- my mom has this book called the Power of a Praying Wife, its part of a whole series I'm pretty sure. I have yet to read the whole thing but a few stand out to me. this one in particular is for the husband away from home:

i've changed a few of the words and placed Codys name in it to make it more personal.

Lord i pray that you will protect Cody while he is away. Keep him safe in cars & planes and every other mode of transportation. Bring him back to me safely. Bless all that he does- whether it be for business or fun. I pray in the time away he will draw closer to you. Help him to hear your voice speaking to his heart. Even though we are apart, I pray you will enable us to grow closer. Help us to let go of any problems or disagreements we have had in the past and to dwell on the good things we have together, now and in the future. 
Enable Cody to be influenced by you and your ways more than any other influence he may come in contact with. Help him to turn to you as his rock, fortress and deliverer. Keep him on the path of obedience to you so that he will be protected from evil. Guard his health and his soul. Preserve his outgoing and his homecoming. I pray when he returns that we find a greater compatibility and communication than we had before. I also pray that the separation will have been a time of rejuvenation for the both of us, and that we will have a fresh perspective and greater insight. Enable us to see each other with new eyes. I release Cody into your hand today for safe keeping.
In the Name of Jesus I pray AMEN

Every time I pray this prayer I feel closer to him. I feel a calm. I know the Lord has plans for me and my family and I will continue to trust him completely , even when it seems most difficult.

Yesterday was one of those most difficult days. I heard "local soldier killed in afghanistan, details at 11" My heart stopped. My stomach flopped. I've never heard those words before.  MY husband is a local soldier in Afghanistan. 
I had not heard from Cody in over 24 hours...I clung to the knowledge that it could in no way be my husband because by law they have to contact me before anything can be released by the media.

11:00 rolled around and they flash a picture of Maj. Michael J. Donahue, the 41 year old husband and father of 3.
what a strange mash up of emotions - the shortest surge of relief followed with deep sadness. I longing to reach out and hug his wife, now a widow, a single mother of three.

that could just as easily be me . I cannot afford to think that way....

I find it so difficult to cope with these things on my own. the only thing that I find comfort in is prayer. Without prayer the sadness would consume me.
I pray for you Mrs. Donahue, I am broken for you. I can't even come up with the words, but God can see my heart. He knows and he cares. I hope you find a rainbow amidst this hurricane. 

10 Months of Liberty Grace

My baby is TEN months old ! as of YESTERDAY  -how has it been 10 months already?!-

10 months of so much change! so much growth, for her and myself. 10 months of solely breastfeeding this girl. I am proud and I am tired.

She is WALKING. yes walking! What a trip to see something so tiny walking! it's so cute! Walking around the house with that determined little waddle, knees too high, legs too far apart, arms flailing about. but somehow still taking a steady step, and another and another.. not only is she walking about, she's usually carrying something around with her - a back scratcher, a ball, an article of clothing. she has also figured out how to climb onto the couches.- we're in trouble!  This little girl loves My Little Pony and to tell the truth i really enjoy it too! As soon as the theme song hits her ears shes bouncing her little booty to the sound and clapping her little hands together. I just love seeing the excitement grow on her face. It's pure joy!  Her vocabulary improves by the day, I swear it,

you were standing at the back door looking out. "ouusiide" you said,  "do you want to go outside Liberty?" asked Nana. you looked right at her and so surely replied "yeah" .


other words include, but are not limited too: "mama, mommy, hi, bye, nana, dada" and her absolute favorite "Banks" ( the cat ) but its more like "BAAANks !!"  she loves that animal. He still remains unsure.

She's started voicing her displeasure at being told she cant do something, at times becoming very persistent and demanding her own will be done. what a strong will she has.. I'm not ready to being disciplining! I dont even know where to begin. I just want to be consistent, I want to be effective.
I just want to reason with her... people laugh when i say that, but I am serious! Why couldn't she at a young age be able to understand reason and make wise choices based on the outcome... eh, just some deeper thoughts.

anywho,

HAPPY 10 MONTHS OF LIFE MY LITTLE LIBERTY.

i love you i love you i love you

I cannot wait until your father can experience the joy you bring to life first hand. he is missing too much..

R is for recovery.

Thats what I did all weekend, recovered from my sleep deprivation. It wiped me out, seriously that stuff is no joke.

Nana went away to visit OP for 2 weeks, leaving me for the longest time ever alone with the wee one. No biggie right? I'm her mama, I got this! If anything it will be a bit challenging, an adventure! 

"This week went totally as planned. Piece of cake" says no single mom with an infant ever

The first few days weren't too bad, actually it was actually kinda nice. Surprisingly I got a lot done, it was just me and my girl doin our thing. Until Liberty decided that this was a good time to change her wonderful 2 hour first nap and her usual 1 hour late afternoon nap for barely there and unpredictable.  By week 2 she was up with sun and napping only an hour a day down by 7. I had to fight to even keep her up that late, then she would wake every hour or so to eat, (still not interested in solids) this would go on until 11ish.  THEN  week 2 .

week 2 came with the teething. the clinging. it was so hot and humid we couldn't spend our time outside without being more miserable than we were inside. Week two was a blur of her tears and mine. 

Not even getting into the lack of communication with my husband as of lately.. seriously these soldiers should be provided with reliable and FREE service to talk to loved ones back home, don't even get me started on how i feel about having to pay to send him a care package 

It slowly crept up on me... the fatigue, the nausea and weakness. I remember waking up Wednesday feeling hungover. I still had to be a mother, a mother to a very needy baby, By Thursday (thank God the day after my mom got home) I was nothing but a bunch of melt downs. I was on the brink of sheer madness. One more night of no more than 2 or 3 hour increments of sleep... One more day of a napless baby..  - i shiver at the thought....

Never will I take for granted the help I get from my mom. 

Right, so this weekend I did a lot of nothing. the weather seemed to agree with me, not too hot, gray skies with scattered thunderstorms. Liberty was happy to have Nana back and seeming more like herself. Tio Noah was back home from his summer in CT and he was just a natural with her- lots of distractions for Liberty, lots of help. This mama got to take naps!! and a long hot shower without the little yelling at me! It was so nice so needed.

I'm still not feeling entirely myself, but were getting somewhere. 

Today was a good day. 

In other news, the Gamecocks beat the Bulldogs yesterday. that makes my husband very happy and that makes us happy.

we tried. hahaha, 

Not the me I want to be....

Today was hard. 

Not so much difficult, but hard. Hard on my heart.

I broke down.

I think I'm losing my mind a little bit,

I am happy and I am sad. I am content yet restless beyond belief. 

I am not fond of these mixed emotions. 

I want my husband, I need him so badly.. I want a home. - whats a homemaker without a home?

I need to be planted, I need to grow roots. I dont know why I am finding it so difficult to stay positive this past week. I am not thriving here. Something needs to change. I feel lost. I feel alone. 

I am sad because I am sad. 

I have a beautiful daughter, We have our health and all of our day to day needs met. 

Why do I feel this way. Why cant I find my positive... 

Ready, Set, Blog.

I'm not much of an accomplisher. I dont go to school. I don't collect income. Im not the best cook. Yes, I am a mother and that is my most important work. My ultimate purpose in life. But as far as contributing to the greater good of humanity? Really, I don't do much of anything.   At least, thats how I feel. 

  

I'm the girl that was a few credits shy of graduating high school (because apparently credits don't transfer when you move to a different state in the middle of your senior year! ANYWAYS...) and rather than go one more year, dropped out and never got my G.E.D. why? Because I didn't have to. Now, 7 years later and I'm literally terrified to sign up for the free G.E.D classes here in town. I'd like say its because my child is a stage 5 clinger, but really, its  because I'm scared.  scared to fail. to be judged... 

I dream a lot. I'm practical and creative. Full of wonderful ideas and good advice. I'm frugal. If theres a bargain I can find it.  I'm a good friend, a loyal wife, a dedicated mother. Thoughtful and passionate, heck I'd even say im kinda funny, but as far as being a "go-getter" no, thats just never been me and as of recently, I've been okay with that...

Much to my father's dismay, this post isnt about me getting my G.E.D.  Rather a post about blogging... a post about lighting the fire under my own ass and doooing something- if this is even considered something. 

 I've always been really good at starting stuff, paintings, scrapbooks, quilts..., as a kid I tried tap, jazz, ballet, gymnastics, piano, softball...  nothing ever stuck, everything remains unfinished. 

 This blog will be my attempt at accomplishing something . An attempt to start and finish something that isn't an absolute requirement or forced by nature.  ( I swear if giving birth after 9 month of pregnancy was optional, I would have opted out)

Baby Steps. 

 I challenge myself- to blog a whole year. One whole year without giving up. A year of real, and a year of  honest. I want to see how I grow, change and learn over this next year. I want my daughter to one day be able to read and relate and enjoy these precious moment of life. 

and I need to connect, connect with like minded mamas. this seems like the best, maybe only way for it to happen. 

 I will not let my fear of failure control me. I will commit myself to this, without fear of judgment. 

- she doesnt seem as excited about it as I am.haha 

One year. 

Lets see where this goes... 

6 am is brutal. but coffee helps.

To tell the truth, its been pretty rough around here lately. Teething is no joke. And to think - all this trouble to get the damn things only to lose them in a few short years... and grow a whole new set... 
I have absolutely no memory of getting my adult teeth, I do however remember losing a few.  Not exactly looking forward to it with miss Liberty. Her two top teeth have finally made a full appearance and are just the cutest addition to an already incredibly cute package. With these two new teeth however, has come a 6 am wake up call and a very unpredictable nap schedule. 
 Needless to say, our days have been filled with cuddles, little sleep, lots of coffee.

Lets add to this situation by solely breastfeeding. Liberty is uninterested in food. I've tried all that i can think of- bought it, made it. cooled it, warmed it, fed it to her, let her feed herself... and nothing. We'll, she likes pizza crust - it would be a dream but sadly, she cant survive on pizza crust. So, at almost 10 months old, entirely breastfed she remains... the girl is lucky she hasn't bitten me yet. Lets hope it stays that way!

 I am SO Tired.  Honestly tho, its amazing how well I continue to function. I really just want one night, one single night to sleep uninterrupted. That's not too much to ask right? 

This is a 2 person job, thats the way it was intended- for a child to have parentS. I CANNOT wait to have him back in our lives. I miss him too much. like way too much. 
4 months down , only 6 more to go............ help me find the bright side. It's looking a little cloudy today...

In other news, i made this incredible Reeses banana bread a few days ago. Heaven with coffee.