wilted leaves & stormy seas.

Change , thats all life is.  It only matters how you react, how you respond . 

I do not respond well to change. I never have. it overwhelms me.  I am much like a tree, in that I just want to be planted in a beautiful place preferably by a stream  surrounded by beautiful and simple things. I want to grow my leaves and deepen my roots. I want raise my branches in praise. I wish to watch the sun shine and the moon beam. I like consistency and appreciate organization.
so how -dare i say- funny, that my soul mate is a soldier. our entire life is change. we are constantly being replanted  and if you know anything about the army, you know the only thing consistent is how inconsistent & unorganized it is.  
Have you noticed a plants reaction after you've transplanted it from the pot it grew in, to the ground it will thrive in? It goes though a bit of a transition period, before it looks happy and healthy, it experiences a state of shock, the leaves wilt. You have to saturate it with water, prune some leaves.. speak some encouraging words. Give it time. 

Life is change, army life is a whole new world of it.
Life changes like the seasons, army life... it changes like the seas.

Right now we are in a particularly kind, understanding and somewhat comforting season, but the seas are unsettling.  An unbearable amount or change is right over the horizon. good and bad, exciting and terrifying. unfortunately my nerves can't tell the difference and my body is flooded with anxiety. My evenings are filled with sleepless thought. I've developed this lump in my throat that I cannot swallow. My tears are right there, just waiting for a trigger word.  I dont even know how to explain it, I have so many thoughts wizzing around in my head I've been finding it difficult to speak.  How does my mind even connect all these thoughts?! My leaves are wilted.

It is far too easy for me to become consumed with fear and worry at the thought of the unknown- these storm in the distance. In all this change and uncertainty,  I remind myself that each season is made up of days and the seas have their winds - some more powerful than others.  Each day is brand new & the winds unpredictable. It makes it all a bit more manageable - one day at a time. I will enjoy each breeze as it blows by because its only here for this moment. I will ready myself for storms as they brew with the comforting thought that they too will pass, just like all the others. Each one teaching me something new. I will choose to pray and not worry, I will trust in God and stay focused on the things important to me. I only want to strengthen my roots, wherever they may be. I know theres a patch of soil on this earth thats just for me and my little family.
 God will plant me when and where He sees fit.

Trust. Pray. Wait.

Think Happy Be Happy.

I have said it once, I will say it many more times. Happiness is as much a choice as it is a feeling.
Folks often refer to how strong they think I am or make comments on my positive attitude during these "difficult times" (when I say difficult, I'm not only referring to the deployment & the aching hole in my heart, but even bigger, the reality of the nasty cruel world we live in and the fact that I have to raise a child in it.) 
All I can say back is simply, "I choose it". Some people seem surprised by the response. I'm not strong, but God is. I'm not anywhere close to being a textbook christian, all I can say for sure is that I can't justify living any other way. God made me a promise, and I to him. He has stated it clearly that he will never break that promise, so will spend the rest of my days trying to honor my word. God wants good things for us! More often than not, I'd say its usually better and much different than we would have envisioned for ourselves. - doesn't that intrigue you?
  Its is all too easy to get caught up in the horrors or this world. Getting wrapped up in worry is kind of a specialty of mine, but the beauty of it is, that I don't have to. I can make the conscience choice to turn my worries into prayers and send them up to my heavenly father. He's just sitting there waiting for them- probably wondering why we haven't spoken to him about it sooner.

THINK HAPPY. BE HAPPY. 

keep in mind these 20 truths. Read them daily if you have to!
1. Faith is the ability to not panic.
2. If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray you don't worry.
3. As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.
4. Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape.
5. When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be still so he can untangle the knot.
6. Do the math. Count your blessings. 
7. God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
8. Dear God: I have a problem, It's me.
9. Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
10. Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.
11. The most important things in your home are the people. 
12. Growing old is inevitable, growing up is optional.
13. There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.
14. He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
15. A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.
16. We do not remember days, but moments. Life moves too fast, so enjoy the precious moments.
17. Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise its just hearsay.
18. It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush it when you are done.
19. Surviving and living your life successfully requires courage. the goals and dreams you're seeking require courage and risk-taking. 
20. Be more concerned with your character than your reputation. Your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.

LIVE SIMPLY, LOVE GENEROUSLY, CARE DEEPLY, SPEAK KINDLY, LEAVE THE REST TO GOD.

these are the truths I apply to my life. these are the truths I will pass on to my daughter.

Doctors Orders

This week was challenging, I'd say its was comparable to an inexperienced and out of shape shoe maker scaling a mountain, a snowy mountain, during a snowstorm, without a coat.

Last Sunday, the little and I both woke up feeling a bit under the weather. Monday didn't bring much relief. Liberty decided to manufacture snot like it was going outta style. I have never seen a nose run so much. I on the other hand, suffered from the opposite problem and dealt with serious fatigue and sinus headaches. Lets go ahead and add  teething to the list, and the diaper rash from hell that wouldn't clear up despite all my most genuine attempts.

if you know me, you know I hate going to the doctors. its not like I hate the person in the white coat with stethoscope in hand- they paid their dues, they went to school and im sure most of them genuinely care about your well being... but theres just something about going, waiting for 30 minutes, seeing a doctor for 10 minutes and then getting a bill in the mail for $160 that  makes me die a little inside. Fortunately for me, I rarely ever become ill, and on the off chance its time for my bi annual cold, I would much rather rest up, pop vitamin C, drink water & soak up sunshine. When all else fails, google holistic remedies.  Anything but go to the doctors.

Its no longer just me.

Ashamed to admit, but it got to the point where my mother had to step in after frustrating failed attempts to cure my child myself to remind me that it's not about me , its about my daughter and her health, her comfort, her quality of life. 

So sometimes, tho I cringe to say, when TLC and holistics fail, the situation calls for a professional. This situation just so happens to be called Liberty and the never ending rash. I swallowed my pride and took her to the doctors. She ended up being diagnosed with a double ear infection topped off with a yeast rash in her mouth and diaper.  They loaded us up with medicated butt cream and antibiotics to be administered 4-5 times daily for 7 to 10 days. 

Talk about discouraging....  

My mom reminds me that this is motherhood - it isn't always sunshine and giggles, also that she was here to help me. Her and I make a pretty good team because its not easy to hold down a banana hating, strong willed child and get her to swallow banana flavored antibiotics against her will.
 All I can do is hope you are getting enough, that this isnt all for nothing... I hate watching you in discomfort.  I hate pumping your tiny body with medicine. please get better soon.

What if I had waited longer to go seek professional help? What if I decided to go against my mothers judgment and not take her in at all... how bad would it have gotten? I know I'm not a bad mother, -after all I was trying . It just doesn't make me feel like a good one ... the thoughts hit me hard. 

God remindes me that sometimes, no matter how hard we try... we simply cannot do it without help,

I just know setting aside my selfishness and learning to push away my pride is going to be something I will struggle with again & again. If I conquer anything in this life I want it to be motherhood. She is my life now. The life God gave me to care for, body and soul. I want a life for her better than I can even imagine on my own. A life only God can help me give her. I admit that I struggle, I accept that my flesh is evil and strong, at times too strong for me to handle on my own. It requires a daily surrender over to God. It requires constant TLC. 

We will never be perfect, but we can be healthy and happy. Body and soul.

 and thats basically the same thing. 

Pumpkin Post

 Yesterday was for cuddles and clouds. Today was for pumpkins and sunshine with this little pumpkin.

Fall showed up in full force this morning. A crisp, windows open, socks on kinda morning. I love filling the house with fresh fall air. Theres something so motivating about it. 

a pile of pumpkins is just about as happy as it gets! I wanted them all! i need to just grow a pumpkin patch- seriously. After inspecting quite a few we left with the perfect first pumpkin  of the season cause lets face it, there will be more. and a bushel of crimson mums to compliment, 

finished the night by baking up some shepherds pie with a side of cider for mama bear. 

Hello October

ahh, i love the beginning of a new month, especially a fall month. October is so refreshing.

as i've mentioned before, i've been struggling with living in the here and now. i'm so caught up with thoughts of the future. the mister coming home, moving again and again, all the planning that goes along with it.. my mind races with questions like "should we stay in the army? where will we live?" where do we want to live? what do we want out of life....?!?!" i think about having a home, where that home will be, do we want another baby? when?.. Liberty's first birthday and homeschooling, the holidays.. I make list after list.. I get stuck scrolling on one social network or another.. pinning this, pinning that, sinking further into my restlessness and discontent ... its all too easy. insanity is the definition of doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.. im tired of this madness.  im tired of trying to figure it on my own. I choose God and I choose happy! I prayed and went to Target ( they sell happy at Target) 

"someday is no way to live your life." 

highly recommend the book, not just to mamas but to anyone who shares the struggle. it's designed to be a year long journey to a "hands free" way of life. sounds intriguing right?  take the trip with me!

so hello to october and hello to now. I don't want to miss the moments of today because i was too busy trying to prepare for tomorrow. 

LET GO and LET GOD.  He alone is my Jehovah Jireh. My provider and He's never let me down. So in the words of Carrie Underwood "Jesus take the wheel" cause i'm going to sit back and enjoy the ride from here on out.   

we are just vapors in the wind.