Returning Home

 Be easy.

Take your time.

you are coming

home.

to yourself.

The Becoming-Wing- by Nayyirah Waheed

This quote found me many years ago floating around the vortex of Pinterest, pinned it & revisit it often. It found a familiar place in my heart the moment I read it. May as well have knocked on my door unannounced,  came in gave me a squeeze & plopped down on my couch, (intending to stay awhile I'm sure...) and there she still sits.  I'm so glad she did. We've been friends ever since.

We all need friends like that.

More often than not I find myself combating the lies of loneliness. Somehow I can convince myself that I don't have anyone to call, anyone to talk to. That no one actually wants to sit on my couch or hear what I have to say. 

How crazy is that right? Because it's a lie! A powerful, loud lie. A lie that also just shows up. Unannounced, in the middle of the night, waking you up. Probably using your kitchen to make a 3 coarse meal with no cleaning up so you not only wake up grumpy, but now you have to wash dishes at 7am.. I digress..

When I became a mother, like the moment I gave birth, unbeknownst to me, I was also the lucky winner of a one way ticket to the forbidden forrest of "Go Find Yourself". Furthermore I wasn't made aware of the fine print that I would later learn reads "this is a journey of a life time. don't worry. you already have everything you need."

As I road home from the hospital with my husband and newborn daughter, I was also traveling to a place I had no control over. A place I would have to work my way out of. My mind unleashed a whole new flock of concerns, dreams, goals, fears... I cried tears. I arrived home a completely different person . I was completely lost in uncharted territory. Theres no map for motherhood. 

Nearly seven years and four kids later I'm sorry to announce, I'm still lost, it's just that the woods aren't so thick + dark these days. It's easier to find the sunshine. I've learned a lot about myself.

Navigating motherhood has been so much more than trying to keep little humans alive. I think we're re all meant to start out as lost mothers. This is how we learn to ask for help. This is when we learn to guard our energy and seek out likeminded spirits. Build a village. It's when we gain a new understanding and earn a first hand experience in the beautiful art of sacrifice. We learn what we are really made of, what our minds and body are actually capable of. 

Admittedly, I spent a lot of years way more lost than I needed to be, way more angry than I had to be, but I grew a little more with each failure, every poor decision, all the wrong turns brought me closer to where I needed to be- even if I usually end up taking the long road. I learn the hard way, what can I say. 

Back to the quote.. It's been like a best friend, the coziest sweater, the creamiest latte, the cheesiest mac, you get what I'm saying. It's something I revisit time and time again. It brings me back to center and reminds me that God made me so much more than a mother, or even wife. Im not just a kickass domestic engineer, but a child of God with a purpose that I probably have only tasted. I'm reward every time I still myself and listen to His voice speaking softly to me when I feel my lowest or my most frazzled. 

You never know what tools God is going to scatter along your journey to help ease your weary traveled heart, but He does. Over and over and over, He never gets tired of it. He wants us to turn to Him... the key is, you ask to ask. Reach out, whisper the screams of your heart to the Lord who loves you, the one who literally created you to do some major things for His kingdom. He's going to come through every time. Are you quiet enough to hear it or still enough to see it? ... I gotta stop yelling at these kids..

I really want to stand before Him one day and hear His voice say "Well done Candice." Not out of the woods yet, but I keep wandering. I'm returning home one step at a time. 

Still Waters

I had an epiphany.
It led me to a blog post after years of being dormant.
It left me fired up and refilled with inspiration.
Dusted me off.
Just sprinkled me in motivation!
I couldn't keep it to myself.

My kids act their worst at our home, around me
because I act my worst at home, around them.

If this quarantine has taught me anything about myself its that I'm still not the me I want to be.
I end my days in bed mulling over what I didn't do, what I should have done. a midnight swim down regret river. can you relate?

But last night I caught a break, a branch extended in the river. that branch led me to a calm place. a mirror in a still pool of clear waters and I could see it.
I could see me in a different light.

My emotions have begun to run rapid and my actions are have become more rage and reactions rather than loving responses. Its exploding in my face.
But my all loving Lord hears me cry out in the night and comes to me. He gives me a break exactly when I needed it. Asking me why I took so long to call.

All is not lost. one moment gone wrong won't equal one day ruined. I won't stay defeated. I cannot afford it. Four (yes, FOUR we'll get into that another post) kids watch me.  Now with this lock down me and their father are the sole role models in their little developing lives. Thats significant. They absorb the details of our actions, especially Liberty, who is honestly too smart and too insightful for her own good at this point. ha! The girl keeps me in check.
We're learning together, forgiving each other and we're (hopefully)growing from our mistakes.
Isn't that what its really all about? Life is learning. I'm really resting in that. 

Im happy with this not so new found perspective. Refreshed. Refurbished and really to tackle the next day of home confinement . Lord help us all, seriously. We need it.

Search me oh God and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any hurtful way in me and lead me into the everlasting. 

Life Lately

long story short, IT'S FALL. like okay, sure. it's 86 degrees and more humid than it's been for the past 2 months. I think the leaves on most of the trees are going to dry up and die, skipping the colorful part all together, but I welcome this change of season. Turn the page, a breath of fresh air. I invite a new splash of color onto my life. I'm waving goodbye to my latest season of dull & down. I was stuck for a(nother) moment , but let the winds of change flip the page and carry me on to better things.
Letting the Lord be author of it all.

My very good mama friend, my home slice since high school, my weekly hour and a half long coffee chatter is supposed to be enroute, this very moment- to my house with her three children in tow. She was driving 8 hours to be with me this weekend! but you know what,  damn HFM had to hit her oldest just yesterday. are you kidding me right now. not much can melt motivation quite like precious plans plucked from your fingers. After she called with the news, we both just knew to pull up our leggings and throw up a #momlife, because kids.. and life. Accept that we are vastly out of control of so much. rain check, 13 days and counting the trip has only been postponed. lord willing!

Busted open the pumpkin spice coffee creamer, dug up some silver linings for current situations, folded some towels and fired up the weedwacker, all before 10 am today.

15 weeks pregnant, soaking up all the new found energy. Lots and lots of day dreaming and brainstorming going on lately. Harping on words like intentional & acceptance .
tapping into continual gratitude... and resting in it.

Up next on the agenda. Naps

With mums, cider and pumpkin bread hopefully in our near future. I wonder if I could actually commit to making a Bucket List this year AND cross (most)everything off of it... oooo we're aiming high!

living on a breeze

Another morning arrives. still circling round and round this room, waiting for a door to open or a wall to fall. The windows are old and too high to reach, cracked open slightly. On a good day, when the winds fly just right, she can feel a restoring breeze blow in from off the seas, or sometimes even the sweet smells of greener grass. It's in these moments that hope stirs deep within her and raises to the surface- catch it before it seeps from your pores. The moments she thrives on. Tapping on the bricks of a foundation laid lifetimes ago,  knowing for certain only day from night. Still Believing.

The stardust inside of her, molecules in a microwave, collide at a rate she could feel. Brewing, stirring, creating heat, momentum, power.

I cant possibly be here much longer. 

Her cheek pressed against the cold stone walls of her keeping, she feels the buzz of creation, the call of the wild. She knows about the others. And a tear falls, just like all the ones before but this one... this one never hits the ground.

I cant possibly stay here much longer.

Warm pink light floods the room and dust glitters the air, just like that, evening climbs in. Tonight was warm. calming. Tonight she felt the pull and sway of the tide. Ebbing and flowing,  she moved along with her body. From the inside out.

perhaps the moon is full this evening.

As is habit, her hands rise high and her knees humble low, she chanted

Hosannah Hosannah Abba Jehovah Jireh Hallelujah Amen. 

Each a pour of passion, found deeper inside herself. Until everything she was cried out in unison. Because all she is was all she had to give so she gave it all and she did it all the time.

No one ever seemed to mind.

She new bitterness would kill her quicker so she carried gratitude around the circles she strolled and with every breath she took, exhaled praise that she was given the wisdom to know the difference.

I'll stay here as long as possible. 

Gaining Ground

Let's get ourselves up and out of this valley. Climb on up to the mountain top and shout out victoriously because WE DID IT.
It doesn't matter that yesterday crumbled in the palm of your hands as you tried so desperately to keep it together.

Yesterday has been washed away.  - now is all we got an I cannot justify complaining about it.
  don't waste today.
 I own the ups and downs. I feel out of my mind.
Claim it proudly before anyone can stick it to you or label it. If your choices and truths seem upside down to the world around you than know you are doing it right. I don't have every answer but I swear when I need one it shows up. I'm moment to moment.  I move on feelings and energy. Deep in thought I approach everything. I feel everyone else's... I feel the environment
I FEEL THE EARTH, i feel the pain of her abuse, I feel the joy of her hope and if I let it, it consumes me.
energy sensitivity overload 24/7 Constantly lost in the moment, shaking it off or soaking it in.. on to the next...
Visually I feel like a submarine traveling deep through a sea of emotions - different emotions that continuously swirl about.... and I know there are more of you out there. I meet you, through a series of events & choices and connect I with you to my core. I don't know what this blog is anymore really. I'm not even sure what I set out to do with it in the first place... if anything at all. All I knew was that sometimes I needed a place to vomit words faster than I could jot down with pen to paper.  Its something for my girls perhaps. A documentation deeper than photographs and stories told over the dinner table... a way for them to hear me, maybe in a way they wouldn't otherwise have gotten a chance to,  - anything can happen at anytime and my mind goes there all the time. Its a note to self, a testimonial of a life given to Christ battling through sin and self. Sometimes when I go back and read entries they speak to me. in a way no one else can because... its me. I find growth and areas that need pruning.

THESE ARE MY CHRONICLES 

I don't really fit in anywhere, I never really have... and I don't mean that to que little violins and tug on heart strings, it just truth. I've come to terms with it, I wish I could tell my 14 year old self to make peace with it back then...I still don't quiet know why I am the way I am but putting my faith in the Lord sure points me in a general direction that I can confidently march in... I dabble here and there with them and those other guys. I gravitate to certain people and other times I'm shoved.  Im not everyones cup of tea, I'm random and unconventional. But here, when I type I fit in because this blog is mine, my own. Sometimes I forget people can and actually do read this. and to you - i love you!
Please feel that love surge into the atmosphere and wrap around you like a hug. I hope somewhere scattered amongst these web pages of my personal content you find something you needed to hear.
Just know that after every word falls from my fingertips, sirens of doubt ring loud in my head. That pressing publish makes my insides coil up and I spend the hours unwinding.
I battle myself. every. single. day. but I do know I'm gaining ground and that its not always going to be this hard. Im winning battles all the time and the war wont last forever, victory is right around the corner.

Stomach This

what do I do with the anger that swells up inside of me at the sight of yet ANOTHER car dealership being built... across the street from one that was built only a year ago... down the road from three others...... don't get me started on the amount of garbage that litters our globe & that fact that no one bats an eye... or the unsettling amount of hungry humans who tote around cardboard cries for help along our roadways...

what do I do with the rage that festers beneath my fists at the sight of words written by the world. What a wicked weapon the enemy yields... the world wide web...

what do I do with the urgent need for immediate justice that jumps from my skin at the mention of wrong doings...

what do I do with the alarming anxiety that attacks... when small talk sends my heart to my throat because my mind goes so deep so fast, and my mouth has a faulty filter... and I just talk and talk and talk. when all I want to do is shut up because I'm talking about nothing, because I have so much off the wall, deep shit to say and that shit weirds people out. I give up. I want to it's true. But I can't, must B E true.

what then, do we do with this unhealthy hunger for a financial status that lingers forever & always out of reach... why is this paper on a pedestal?

It's like no ones ever made it past the free bread offered before the meal... the small talk and warm rolls with a honey butter spread offer us just enough satisfaction & distraction from the fact that were all S T A R V I N G. 

I'm so hungry for change- I refuse to eat any more rolls. My tastebuds are so awake. My stomach is aching. My mouth is watering for a main course...but I can't help but sit here biter in my thoughts like "well that's it, this waiter lost their tip ,worst service ever. " The menu isn't even enticing... I've almost lost my appetite and left the table completely...

Let me explain..

There's a lot of activity going on beneath my skin, I can physically feel it, like I'm floating in cold water, or simply riding a breeze... I feel suspended at times. As if time itself stops and the natural order of life as it is becomes so crystal clear... an I see it completely upside down..
what is this nonsense everyone is clinging so tightly to? Each person demanding his or her own pen to jot down their own definitions, calling it "life".
I sit in this limbo state.. waiting for something great. I hear it...lingering like the hum, just waiting to be turned up.
I pray genuinely & daily for the Lord to reveal His heart to me, to let mine beat in rhythm with His. To portray those in my sight with His eyes and not my own. That I may speak only words that need to be heard... and that He speak LOUDLY and c l e a r l y  to my soul, so I can confidently identify him in my storm of self.  I pray for retention of truths so I can proudly re-proclaim them to the hurting hearts, the lost loves, the searching souls.
..and whatdoyaknow, he answers me.. but this only scratches the surface .. because now this is where the battle intensifies. With all this wisdom and clarity pouring through me, so the attacks from my enemy reign down. The further I press on the harder it becomes to travel. Most times I feel like my bad days outnumber my good days.. but then He speaks and I am comforted. I can armor up and resort back to the truths I holdfast - That victory is the Lord's and I AM HIS.
Like a nerve exposed I roam through my days. With the passion of Christ and the chaos of flesh...
...it's a strange thing to feel love & hate all at the same time. Opposing passions surging throughout my mind with every breath I'm given. Thoughts on top of thoughts with no way to sort it.  Deeper still, the supernatural elements.. good vs. evil... the WHY we do this .  I'm constantly coming full circle, in all that I do.. trying to be mindful of responding while  keeping in mind repercussions of reactions. day in and day out, right hand in, right hand out, do the hokey pokey and spin yourself around- that's what it's all about..

I choose the pursuit of glory, with a mindset of all things possible,sponsored by the Creator.  

Until your kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.