Growing Up, Not Old.

ITS MY BIRTHDAY!!! 
okay.. I just had to get that out. I feel like its the first year ever I haven't publicly declared it. There was no facebook countdown or birthday eve selfies or feelings of celebration  unless you consider polishing off a pint of Talenti a celebration... but It's my birthday alright- My 26th... sayy whaaaat. I know I'm not too great at math but something here doesn't add up, 26 sounds ooold.. I dont want to be 26... 
 Birthdays are usually a big, huge, wonderful ordeal for me, but not this year. I wasn't feeling it. I went to bed last night feeling pretty defeated. As it ping ponged around in my brain, 26 grew less and less appealing. I got all dramatic with my thoughts  and quickly became unhappy with the number I was going to lug around for the next year.. only to have another birthday sneak up on me, for the numbers to get heavier.. uglier.  But then something amazing happened, I woke up. "Age is just a number." right? I mean my good ol buddy Abe said it best " its not the years in your life but the life in your year..." and that was wayy back in the day.. so I laid there in bed and thought about it. Thought about it until it really sunk in. Once it stuck, I got up. I felt empowered. I felt so blessed to have 26 years under my belt. I felt the need to cling to that 26 and smile every time I said it. Smile not just with my face but with my soul.
you know that scene in the movie Eat.Pray.Love when she "smiles with her liver" ? Yeah thats kinda the feeling i got going on. 
 I've accomplished a lot in 26 years on this planet. I may not have a fancy degree or a bunch of stamps in a passport but for me and my tiny little comfort zone, its been one hell of a journey.  I've come a long way from the Candice I used to me and i know i have so much more ground to cover. I'm a wife and mama now! I've grown immensely in just this past year alone. I like to say grow because its not really a change that goes on. I'm still me the me I was when I was 6 and the same me I'll be when I'm 86, but I'm growing into myself. I'm growing up, growing stronger and more confident. Everyday I feel more sure of who I am and what I want for myself and my family. I've learned to let go of the worry and keep my focus on the One God who has always loved me for exactly who I was the whole time, but remained patient with me while I take my sweet time figuring it out. I've made so many mistakes in the past 26 years and I know I will only go on to  make so many more and that is O K A Y , because I am a human and that's what us humans do. We fuck up, again and again and again. and not only do we do enough damage on our own, but we've got this unkind, unfair world relentlessly fighting against us. Constantly hacking away at our bark, the precious protective bark that we work so hard, for so long to maintain. We start to feel broken, like less of ourselves.
 Growing up means with each mistake I make I can learn more and grow from the experience. Our scars tell our stories. they set us apart from the rest, make us unique and at the very same time they unite us, bringing like minded folks together!
Growing up means learning to live with chipped bark and still feeling beautiful, in hopes that every scar continues to remind us of life lessons learned. Maybe even helping others, by being an example before they make the same mistakes. Or to say "hey man, look at this chip in my bark, I've been there too. I'm here for you"  A single tree can grow strong anywhere but a forest of strong trees is truly magnificent.

I wish to be like a tree. I wish us all to live like trees. A tree doesn't care about their age or reputation. A tree simply grows. It doesn't change into a different tree, it simply grows bigger. Bigger in self, bigger in beauty. It grows into the biggest & best tree it can possibly be. A tree grows up towards the sky. Raising its branches up to heavens in praise I'm sure. A tree grows simply, where it is planted. A tree grow stronger & wiser. A tree grows up, not old. I intend to do the same.

BRING IT ON TWENTY SIX. 

Settling In

Finally found my poor excuse for a laptop, dusted it off and called  the internet people  Waahlaah 3 vans 3 men 2 modems and 2 hours later we have access to the world wide web from the comforts of our own home. It felt good. To surf and know I wasn't using up precious data, therefore increasing our phone bill.. yada yada yada..   Yay for finally getting around to posting pictures and ramblings.

Things have been moving at rapid speed since arriving in TX over a week ago.   He got in last Wednesday and we wasted no time getting over to housing to get us a place and our things out of storage.  Neither one of us could bear the thought of another night beneath unfamiliar sheets.  Already the house is becoming our home. It's been like Christmas over here.  As each box is opened we find memories, we unwrap smiles, I find comfort. We find little things to put here or hang there. Our plants. Our special coffee mugs and o.j. glasses. Maybe it sounds silly, but seeing those throw pillows on the couch and our fiestaware together on the shelves makes my heart so happy. Things are falling into place slowly but surely and we are doing it happily and doing it together... these are my old and familiar things. All  the stuff we've collected  from thrift shops, dear friends, family members and yard sales over the years, but somehow seeing them here also feel so fresh and new. Like finally, a new season. we're reunited and everything can breath again. Call me materialistic, but I love my things. We don't have a lot but what we do have really does hold a special place in my heart and it wouldn't be home without them lovingly scattered amongst us.
Gosh to lay in our bed again feels like heaven. everytime I see i'm taken back to the time we randomly strolled into a bed store and bought that semi-firm cloud after trying every other bed in the place we stuck to the very first one we had tested. We basically blew all of our tax return money on it.. that magical mattress/ pillow combo and tattoos.  We're such adults. I love it.

Pretty sure we survived on breakfast tacos alone for the first 3 days. not even mad about it. We both missed our tienda Mexicana so much and its practically across the street from us now. Valentines day I cooked our go-to spaghetti dinner complete with a disappointing bottle of malbec. (note to self: just because the wine is $20 doesn't mean its a good one.)

I feel like I never sleep anymore. Between all the todo's and all the changes- including the time change and Liberty's teething, fevers & constant congestion, I'm lucky to get in 2 solid hours at a time... I  just want to curl up next to Cody and sleep. sleep the weekend away.... I'm with him but somehow i still miss him. no, i miss us. Coming to terms with knowing those times are something of the past... its sinking in rather slowly sometimes all at once. It makes me sad. But then things like this happen and my heart explodes with more love than it ever had when it was just the 2 of us. this is my family. we were meant to be together. 

valentines day 2015

valentines day 2014

A lot of baby wearing going on since we've been back. It's the only way anything gets somewhat accomplished around here during the day.  It's the only way she gets in a decent nap. The only way to get a break from the whining. The only way I can use both hands. I think all this change is taking its toll on her. Last night she cried. All. Night. I just held her tight. I took deep breaths.  Consciously tried to stay calm while trying to sooth her. It felt endless. this must be so much for her little self to handle and i'm the only thing familiar in her world right now.  We will survive this a day at a time.

  I am exhausted .But I know at the end of the day my man will come home and kiss me. He will tell me I'm a good mama and how I'm the only wife in the world that'll do. This is the life ive been less than patiently waiting for. Its's not always easy but it will always be worth it.