okay.. I just had to get that out. I feel like its the first year ever I haven't publicly declared it. There was no facebook countdown or birthday eve selfies or feelings of celebration unless you consider polishing off a pint of Talenti a celebration... but It's my birthday alright- My 26th... sayy whaaaat. I know I'm not too great at math but something here doesn't add up, 26 sounds ooold.. I dont want to be 26...
Birthdays are usually a big, huge, wonderful ordeal for me, but not this year. I wasn't feeling it. I went to bed last night feeling pretty defeated. As it ping ponged around in my brain, 26 grew less and less appealing. I got all dramatic with my thoughts and quickly became unhappy with the number I was going to lug around for the next year.. only to have another birthday sneak up on me, for the numbers to get heavier.. uglier. But then something amazing happened, I woke up. "Age is just a number." right? I mean my good ol buddy Abe said it best " its not the years in your life but the life in your year..." and that was wayy back in the day.. so I laid there in bed and thought about it. Thought about it until it really sunk in. Once it stuck, I got up. I felt empowered. I felt so blessed to have 26 years under my belt. I felt the need to cling to that 26 and smile every time I said it. Smile not just with my face but with my soul.
you know that scene in the movie Eat.Pray.Love when she "smiles with her liver" ? Yeah thats kinda the feeling i got going on.
I've accomplished a lot in 26 years on this planet. I may not have a fancy degree or a bunch of stamps in a passport but for me and my tiny little comfort zone, its been one hell of a journey. I've come a long way from the Candice I used to me and i know i have so much more ground to cover. I'm a wife and mama now! I've grown immensely in just this past year alone. I like to say grow because its not really a change that goes on. I'm still me the me I was when I was 6 and the same me I'll be when I'm 86, but I'm growing into myself. I'm growing up, growing stronger and more confident. Everyday I feel more sure of who I am and what I want for myself and my family. I've learned to let go of the worry and keep my focus on the One God who has always loved me for exactly who I was the whole time, but remained patient with me while I take my sweet time figuring it out. I've made so many mistakes in the past 26 years and I know I will only go on to make so many more and that is O K A Y , because I am a human and that's what us humans do. We fuck up, again and again and again. and not only do we do enough damage on our own, but we've got this unkind, unfair world relentlessly fighting against us. Constantly hacking away at our bark, the precious protective bark that we work so hard, for so long to maintain. We start to feel broken, like less of ourselves.
Growing up means with each mistake I make I can learn more and grow from the experience. Our scars tell our stories. they set us apart from the rest, make us unique and at the very same time they unite us, bringing like minded folks together!
Growing up means learning to live with chipped bark and still feeling beautiful, in hopes that every scar continues to remind us of life lessons learned. Maybe even helping others, by being an example before they make the same mistakes. Or to say "hey man, look at this chip in my bark, I've been there too. I'm here for you" A single tree can grow strong anywhere but a forest of strong trees is truly magnificent.
I wish to be like a tree. I wish us all to live like trees. A tree doesn't care about their age or reputation. A tree simply grows. It doesn't change into a different tree, it simply grows bigger. Bigger in self, bigger in beauty. It grows into the biggest & best tree it can possibly be. A tree grows up towards the sky. Raising its branches up to heavens in praise I'm sure. A tree grows simply, where it is planted. A tree grow stronger & wiser. A tree grows up, not old. I intend to do the same.
BRING IT ON TWENTY SIX.
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