This fellowship with Flowers

Her eyes opened slowly as her ears drank in the soft, quiet song of sunrise. A comforting lull that suggests more sleep.Thought she felt rested, it seemed as if morning arrived earlier than usual. That's how it usually feels, when summer falls into autumn, she thought to herself. The sunshine is a warmer shade of gold than it had been the day before. Rumbling away at the curtains, impatiently waiting for her to arise and pull back the floral printed fabric, the fresh young rays demand it to enter the room.

Her tip toes planted on the cold, hardwood floors as her fingers uncurled towards the ceiling. inhaling deep. exhaling slow. eye lids greeting gently. For that moment she felt infinite. Today she held the stretch a little longer than the day before, as if reaching for something more.

Coffee. I shouldn't drink so much coffee
Sugar. I shouldn't eat so much sugar
The last of the creamer. just enough. I'm so thankful he takes his coffee black.

As tradition, she perches on the porch with coffee warming her palms and spills out her truest, wildest thoughts with the potted plants. Its a natural instinct for her.. She spiels & prunes with a smile in place, knowing a leaf was near, to catch a tear should one fall or all together pour from her face.
I'm a fragile shade of happy today.  Her words sprinkle out and nourish as well as water, her little plants of prayer. They listen.. They lived for her, these plants in pots. They grow taller to be closer to her lips and secretly desire to kiss her. Thriving off her satisfaction, they serve.  After all, she tended to them as tenderly as mother to child and protected them in all possible ways. She sews their seeds and mourns their losses. They know her dreamiest dreams and her purest prayers. They never scoff, never scorn. They always point her in the direction of her creator. Keeping her connected. 
They always understand her and she feels it.
She loved them and they knew it.

She sipped her coffee and wondered aloud
how many others are weird like me? how many others feel too deep like me?
"many, many" a voice said "and wonderful, not weird. Wonderful, not weird."

She knew today would be good and if not the entire day, than for just this moment.
And that was totally okay.

Focus on Faith, not Fear.

Yesterday morning, all afternoon ... into the evening anger festered inside me. By bed time it was all consuming. I was hung up on my car being ransacked over a month ago.. like "how dare someone steal from me". I was mad at my two year old for well, everything. I was angry that my cabinet project was taking a bazillion times longer than I had anticipated, I mean cant they just paint themselves?! Mad at our dogs existence- what else is new. Just angry at everything because FUCK! ever been in one of those moods? I get there more frequently than I would like.. but last night as I tried to spew out my rage induced rant my husband quotes Yoda. Yes, Yoda. " Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." BOOM -conviction- It's not my anger I need to work on. It's deeper. Its my fear. I am afraid of so much. From paralyzing social anxiety, to the fear of surrender, afraid of not being in control. I find it hard to believe all that awaits me after a life of surrender and that is why I fail. But failure is an event, not a person. I'm always beating myself up for being a shitty mom, wife, friend, daughter... a lukewarm Christian...

"we can replace the CD's and audio cables." he said, Liberty will grow and learn, the cabinets will get done. My husbands quick thinking brought me back, it really helped me to refocus on what matters.

You don't have to be fluent in faith to see that Star Wars in dripping in spiritual truths. The force is real and I call him Father. I think I'll go watch the whole movie now :)

Focus on Faith.

Tears, Fears, Sharpened Spears

I used to be the girl who cried about everything all the time. Happy tears and fear tears. Sad ones, mad ones. Tears for others and tears because tears. Marrying a soldier, moving far from home and becoming a mother in such a short period of time changed all that. I had to "grow up" rather quickly. My salted sorrows would leave my husband clueless and my daughter unraveled. Tears became a useless reaction to situations I had no control over.. I unknowingly taught myself how to cope without the waterworks, but life continues to pile on the shit and I'm finding myself closer and closer to tears. Salty drops that would fall endlessly for so many reasons. Realizing that the struggles presented to me are directly linked to a supernatural war keeps me grounded + aware. Each circumstance creates opportunity to grow and learn. How successful would a soldier be with blurred vision due to tears and clouded judgment due to fears? I'm not dooming tears to a life of nonexistence, I just think they should be shed with-in reason, in proper season.
Waking up daily in the word, with my eyes dry and fixed on Him and His perfect plan helps me to stay focused on all things possible. All things good. I find that filling up on truths instead of draining myself physically proves to extremely effective in battle (toddler turmoil, financial struggles, marital combat, physical failures).

Don't find yourself caught up in the natural disturbances of this life on earth. Alone in the struggle we stay distracted and reactive, reaping our inevitable downfall and eternal doom.
Instead, pause  B E  S T I L L . Be confident in who you are through Christ our mighty savior. Learn to respond with confidence rather than exploding into reaction. Enter every day with a feeling of victory and reassurance. Wipe away the tears so to focus on wonder and success of creation.
We were not created to be not dull and burdened down. We are to be sharp + light, Walking examples of the joy + peace that surpasses all understanding.We are to be ready + able. Full of the holy spirit. Sharpened spears in the hands of the almighty who stands upon the enemy and claims victory.

Liberty and the Terrible Horrible No Good Very Bad Day.

Dad went back to work, most of the laundry is done (clean, not folded), the fridge is half stocked and the kids are kinda sorta acting normal again. ahh, its a glass half full kinda feeling.

Wish I could say the same about yesterday...
started out early. before the sun early. not in the mood for it early.
 9 am felt like 12:30. dressed, fed and park bound I said! But not before little miss Liberty took a running start superman dive to the pavement on the way to the car. It was painful to witness, chex cereal flew everywhere. I scooped up my sobbing baby, sat her on the toilet seat and wiped away her salty tears.
"mamas going to make it better"
Hydrogen peroxide is a staple in this home. I blew kisses and rolled on an oil blend for owies. Much to my surprise the girl didn't want a bandaid. Which was a proud moment for me.. silly or not. I've been slow to introduce them to her, I didn't want a band aid kid. you know the ones I'm talking about! With her being so dramatic I feared it would only come natural to her if introduced to the concept. However, this boo boo was a bleeder, so bust open the box of adhesive blood stoppers and try to convince her its for the best! The band aid lasted the whole 6 minute car ride t the park.
The park went rather well, if you subtract her falling off the picnic table and that one incident with that one kid who may or may not have tried to run her over with his bike, the screaming. the not wanting to leave...
Nap time was going to happen. so I wrestled her like a crocodile, tears and all until she gave up then drifted off into the most peaceful of sleeps.
Well, she woke up a fussy mess two hours later. I finally appeased her with popcorn, a juice box and "the dinosaur movie" (the good dinosaur). once the movie ended we spent a little time outside and she finally pooped that poop we had been waiting nearly 3 days for. It was a doosie. It hurt. She didn't want to push it out and I don't blame her. A grown man wouldn't have wanted to pass this hunk of waste. I was there to cheer her on and rub her back. Letting her know once it was out it was over.
Let's move right along to the high fever that hit her around 6:30 pm and all the desperate attempts to coax her into drinking the damn tylenol. 102.7. She was a blubbering mess. Both girls were crying. I wanted to cry.  b r e a t h  I stayed calm, allowing myself to be okay with the fact that Loretta was crying herself to sleep while I held my Liberty. encouraging her to sip ice water. I knew I had to get her to relax. More holding, singing, wiping tears and getting her to  b r e a t h . I remembered being told once that onion slices in a pair of socks would help a fever. Worth a shot. She did not agree to it, but the poor girl was too worn out to fight me.Wouldn't you know it, within 30 minutes 101.6. That simple, all natural remedy was the solution to our problem. She was finally able to regain some sort of composure and drift off.  Almost instantly I could feel her body temperature returning to normal as she laid next to me, breathing heavy but steady breaths.
Comfort found us both.

Today was a new day. Today there was no blood, few tears and no fevers.
It's not always easy, but it will always pass.
Forward Motion. 

Summer, Slowly.

Simple. Slow. Ordinary days.  I've been loving home lately. This afternoon in particular. Both girls are napping. the house has that afternoon glow and with the sound of many different bird calls outside streaming through open windows. (probably yelling at me to refill the feeder) It's beginning to feel like summer time. I like it. I really do. 

And the little park just minutes away from home, Just two rights & one left.
It's the perfect place to be.
A shallow flowing creek complete with pebbles for throwing. Little grassy hills and a short walking loop. There are flowers for sniffin & pickin. The place sits down off the main road with a pavilion and  2 different parks to play on, not to mention a great surface for chalk masterpieces!  I foresee picnics here very soon.
We are happy here.

A Blog Post

Not a whole lot going on here lately.. mostly because I haven't really felt like doing much. I try, as many days as possible, to wake up and slowly make our way outside to catch those gentle morning rays of sunshine on our skin, while listening to the early birds sing. To drink the lasting bits of cool air into our lungs and wet our feet amongst the dew sprinkled grass. If it wasn't for the lingering thought of the quickly approaching mosquito stampede  and dying of west nile or some other mosquito transmitted disease - (yes that's a huge irrational fear of mine), I'd get all giddy at the thought of spending entire days on the back deck.  I seriously need to get them under some kind of control this year because I cannot and WILL NOT be held prisoner in my own home all summer long with 2 babies because the blood suckers are out. whyyyy mosquitos God whyyyy???? they suuuuck. - no pun intended.

anywho, tomorrow is Earth Day and I have a fun play date at the park planned for us and some friends! Praying for sunshine!!!! It felt good to really dive into my resources and find all that creativity just dying to flow from my fingers. I really enjoyed brainstorming ideas for the kiddos like snacks, activities and such.. they are still all preschool aged kids so I don't want to overwhelm the afternoon (or myself) with too much structure. Keep expectations low and disappointment will be less likely to ride home with ya, if you know what I mean.  Just gets me that much more excited about embarking on a homeschooling journey with my girls. Liberty and I do little things here and there, but I'm looking to soon introduce more structured "play" for her. Sometimes I shy away from doing things with her for fear it will be above her comprehension or that she'll ignore the directions all together (because the girl listens to almost nothing I say these days) When I do decided to throw a new activity into the days mix, I'm always so surprised and proud at not only how much she enjoyed it, but also at how attentive she was, how eager to learn and do it herself!

before the first cut of the season......

after..

Bursts of Energy.

"mom. mom. mom. mooom. MOM. mom. mommy. moom. mom" I hear before my eyes even open. It flows in from the other room along with the first bits of morning light  

Rise and shine to the sweet sound of toddler at the peak of dawn. kid why can't you just get out of bed and do your thing. give me a few more minutes! You have two working legs! Like, I wonder sometimes how long would she actually sit there call me. She may start to get hysterical at some point, but I think the girl would sit there all day just calling out "mom" in various forms. Just a Few More Minutes! ok, ok. wake up. choose joy. Do the day a favor, CHOOSE JOY. 

"good moorning mama. i just woke up today."
 "i want a peanutbutta waffle"

Push back the curtains. Brew a pot of coffee, Make peanut butter waffle. This has become routine.
I've been getting better at routine devotional time. I Bible and journal and make lists and tune into my podcast. Man! I LOVE these podcasts, sermons from Fearless, planted in downtown L.A. :warning: some of these sermons will wreck you and put you back together, better. So much better. anyways, today we watered the plants and missed the recycle for the THIRD week in a row. but, the wonderful thing about lately is that we can spend it outside. today was actually hot! just about 80! felt good on the skin.  I'm going to try to blog a bit more frequently  Maybe highlighting different weekly topics. I have so many ideas, I'm just trying to figure out how to start. That creativity is stirring. the sunshine is like power. it energizes me, like it does a tiny little seed into growing and blossoming into all its glorious potential. That's how all things start out right? little bursts of energy, just looking for somewhere to go. a direction to travel in. My problem is, I've been moving in the same direction, doing the same thing basically always that I'm just stuck doing it. I keep putting along while lugging around the heaviest convictions and they only get heavier. more obvious, louder and louder. relying on prayer and forgiveness to get me through at the end of each day. And when I say Every. Single. Day I'm starting new, I am not kidding around. Thank the Lord for his mercy and each new day. An extra special thanks for the sunny days and the days full of little bursts of energy. I'm trying hard to travel in the right direction.

I love these warm sunny evening hours most. the ones just before the sun checks out for the day. 

looking for more worms. and my poor perennials waiting to be planted.

right after she threw all her brand new chalk off the steps because, in her words " it was fun"

she's telling me there's poop on a stick she found. 

I wish I had more pictures of Loretta and myself. or even all three of us. but I'm always holding or wearing bean and beeb is always off doing something photogenic or saying something notable. So for now, I'll just keep taking her picture and writing down the "shit she says".

We'll Be Outside

"We see in nature clear marks of design, and design argues a creator." Spurgeon

how beautifully put. Such a gentle touch of truth. I'm not familiar with Spurgeon, but I have stumbled upon his quotes more than once and they resonate deep, leaving a lasting impression. I think we may find our way to the library so I can check out an actual book- something Spurgeon,..

From the deepest part of me grows this desire to be outside, barefoot in the sunshine. It's the littlest, simplest, most natural form of happiness to me. It's how I picture my daughters growing up. A favorite daydream.. them splashing in a small stream long side our property, picking apples from our favorite tree for an afternoon snack.. A day spent in the garden or a stroll in the woods, a roll in the grass... I want to spend rainy days on a screened in porch and chilly nights around a fire under the glow of stars... 

Yes, yes, call me a dreamer and I'll claim it confidently. I think its the best thing to be.

Children are better off outside. collecting sticks, picking flowers..They know it.  Just ask them. 

as you can see, Liberty is in a serious dress phase and I'm always wearing Loretta.

We're slowly making the transition out of hibernation and things are good. God, I love spring.
Soon I'll be spending all my money on plants and ice cream.

Spare Key

Yesterday started off like any other day packed with errands- other than not having coffee creamer- so first stop was Dunkin Donuts for fuel. Then we hit up the commissary for last minute groceries, cat food, litter, and snacks for our TRIP HOME THIS WEEKEND (excitement)  since this mama still doesn't have a dress for Steeplechase/Wedding/Easter and because I'll make any excuse to thrift we decided to try our luck at one of the local goodwills. This is where my day fell apart. I did it guys. I did the very thing I consciously avoid, the thing I have nightmares about - I locked my first born in the car. along with my phone and both sets of car keys. The car was off and she was still strapped in her seat. you know that very second of instant regret and sheer terror 
*shuts door, all color leaves face, ears get hot and sweat pours from body.
Now, we can take a moment to thank God that Loretta was already in the tula and that it was only 55 degrees out.
I pounced on the nearest shopper with a face full of tears and a mouth full of almost words - really happy they were able to understand my desperate need for their cell phone. I called 911 and relayed my horror story to the very calm women on the other end. once she told me an officer (who couldn't help me) was on the way, I stood by the car and cried.
I couldn't believe I was the mom who locked her kid in the car.
After what felt like half the day, the officer arrived..  then another officer - who said he was just in the area & bored- oh yeah lets not forget the ambulance showing up. they said it was just to make sure all was well, but I know they really showed up just to panic me more- whatever.
The officer informed me that much to his disagreement of new policies, he could do nothing for me but call a locksmith. He asked me if that's what I wanted to do- like, as if there was another option or like I was going to say "awe, no, thanks anyways, I'll just wait until she learns how to unlock it herself." YES, CALL A LOCKSMITH PO MAN!

anyways, we waited another eternity for mr. pop-a-lock to show up with his fancy wire hanger and strange blood pressure device, slid it all in the door and POP. MY KID!!  "that will be $40 ma'am" (there goes my goodwill money)

after all was said and done she must have spent 25 minutes max in the car and had only started with the tears and looks of "whatthefuckmom" in the last 5.
the team of help dispersed & a million sorrys were spoken. Lets hope this wont be her first memory.
lesson learned - don't keep your spare key in the car.

Forward Motion

I'm sure I've written a post similar to this before, but that's because its such a big part of life. Motion. An object in motion stays in motion. whatever something is doing, it wants to keep doing it. I don't know about you but I am an EXTREME creature of habit. I always have pepperoni on my pizza (and pick off half of it), my coffee order has been the same since my very first order. When it comes to ice cream, I always choose chocolate over fruit- actually I choose chocolate over fruit no matter what. I like being home, I like talking to the same people and going to sleep in my own bed. New things trigger tiny bursts of anxiety inside of me. So adjusting to motherhood was a challenge (even though its what I always wanted) and then, trying to adjust to being a mother of two under 2 had proven to be a very big challenge. I find myself more often than not choosing to stay home, inside where its "easiest" to keep up with the littles. The thought of trying to do things paralyzes me, they are my biggest excuses not to do something (if there's an excuse, i'm guaranteed to find it- another habit of mine) I so quickly forget about my strengths and dwell on my weaknesses. I forget that my life has a grand purpose outside the walls of my home. I am to trust the promises of my heavenly father.
As much as my inner introvert desires stillness and sameness, my restlessness is growing obnoxious and my two year old is dying for something exciting- but my anxiety hasn't steadied any, and my two year olds listening skills haven't improved.. This is exactly where the enemy wants me, down and discouraged.
But lately, my convictions have been too loud to ignore. As a Christian I know the truth, and that should be all the motivation I need to get up and get out.
"go and make disciples of nations" - commanded the Lord. How can I go and do anything if I can't even get myself up and out of the house? I've got to swallow by pride and confront the fears.

Sunday, I acted on a loud and long lasting conviction-  I went to church. I left my oldest at home with the husband. I cried on the way there and shed a few tears at random during the service. I fought back tears while introducing myself to other people and held back my "poor pitiful me" sob story when they asked how I was doing. (we can save that for the second meeting lol) It was hard, but I did it.
You make think its a silly thing to feel proud about, but for me- its a grand accomplishment. baby steps
I think I'm scared that God is going to call me out of my comfort zone... actually I know he will. Nothing great was ever done within the zone of comfort. - terrifying!
but, how incredible. We were all given breath in our lungs for a reason. We have different talents and desires to use for the glory of God. One person can't possibly impact the entire world  but each individual is equipped with the tools to impact some and if each individual reaches some then together the goal is to reach all - to reach nations, If he is all he claim to be then I should have nothing to fear!! I just want to practice what I preach, I want to allow God to work through me. I need to remove all the junk- all the friction slowing me down and follow my heart.

Change my course of action so that it lines up with your perfect will. Make me a creature of heavenly habits.  I'm all in.

In other non preachy news. we went to the park because this mama was all like " hey! todays is a great day to strap on the bean, throw the tot in the stroller. headphones in and a podcast on, lets keep a pace and soak up some vitD" hahaha right. because today would be the day Loretta doesn't want to be in the tula and  seriously, whats the point in having a stroller if you have a kid that can walk on their own... and stop every 3 minutes... Woosah at least we made it out of the house for a little bit.

Bare with me.

MAN, past few days here have been rough. My fuse is short and my emotions are endless. My anxiety has my by the throat. The highs and lows of motherhood are something serious and then go ahead and add the nonstop rain, which keeps us inside because it makes mud and lots of it.. or in our case, here in middle tenn. sticky, wet clay, that no amount of soap will wash out of your clothes. play clothes here should just be called "clay clothes". it sucks, because even when its a beautiful day out - there's clay. it's practically undiggable and you know toddlers, they just want to dig in dirt. So what does she do? She finds the potted plants to play in... not much dirt left in those suckers- poor lil plants. and don't even get me started on the number of times shes dug up the potatoes I buried... and continue to bury..
Let's just add the icing to this cake of misery and talk about marriage and that emotional rollercoaster. it's like going 1000 miles an hour having the time of your life the you get hit in the face by a pigeon and the ride never stops. SHIT! I love that man, but if you ask me today, I'd say I'm so over it. It sucks that us (most, because some lucky ladies have found that rare magic gem of a man) women  have to  s p e l l  out everything. like, "dude can you just hug me right now and tell me it will be okay?!" Even then, they don't get it. I guess it has a lot to do with godliness. If a man (or woman) is without God, than all he's left with is selfishness. There's no other purpose for living really, if its not for the glory of something greater than yourself. Not saying a godly man is a perfect man, I'm just saying he's probably got his priorities in order and has an easier time identifying the needs of others.

I pray my girls find themselves a God fearing man to love them the way they were intended to be loved. Never settle. I pray they are treated as queens, appreciated and adored every single day of their lives. I pray that they never forget their worth. They are more precious than gold. They are daughters of a King.

I know as the spiritual one in the relationship I am to be a light- a shinning example to him and all around me of the love of Christ.. I know this, yet daily I fail. Daily my flesh gets the best of me and my thoughts are controlled by bitterness. Christianity is, and must be constant. It is a way of life, not something you do occasionally, or when its most convenient You cannot pick and choose what to believe and when. God is very direct and most consistent.

Mama always told me the C in my name stood for Complain. I used to hate it when she would point it out, but now as an adult, I see and understand. I take ownership of it. It is one of my many flaws.  
But mama also reminds me that Love keeps no record of wrong doing. hows that for some conviction. so yeah this post is not to drive you crazy on my train of complaints only to end up stuck on bitter mountain. Its simply to vent, to run it out and move on. It's to let you know your not alone in the struggles of everyday ordinary life Tomorrow is a completely new day and I refuse to let today take up any space in it. So, with that being said, I forgive my husband, now and always because its the right thing to do. I love him, flaws and all. It is what God does for me and he also does it daily. No one is perfect but love, just loves anyways. 

End rant. 

Solid Foundations

I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but the way I pictured it was quite different from reality. I imagined a whole baseball team of boys, all summer babies. but God gives you what you need more often then what you want, so here I am, mama to two little girls one november and one december. The thought of having girls absolutely terrified me... I would think about all the bad decisions I made growing up, all my mistakes. I think back to the pure hell I put my poor parents through. Good parents, parents who seriously never gave me a bit of bad advice. but I still fought them, over and over. I remember feelings of genuine hate for my mother at the age of 16, the very same woman who I now consider my best friend, my confidant. The person I still call everyday for advice on this or to vent about that.. she gets it- because shes been there and although I see it so clearly now...why, why was I so damn angry. why was I filled with such rage so young? I was trying to please the world, and God just wasn't "cool" I put everything I was on a shelf, I was trying to be pretty on the outside and forgot all about the inside. I can only wait and watch my girls grow into themselves, knowing they are going to make all their own mistakes and it fucking tears me apart, I'm going to tell them all the same things my mom and dad told me. I'm going to go out of my mind with worry the first time they leave me. I don't want to shelter them.. or hold them back,  I just want to be real with them. I want them to know to really know that I, nor their father, will ever, ever give them bad advice. 

Time Flies. Enjoy being a kid. Don't grow up too fast. He's no good for you. She's trouble. Eat right. Exercise. These are the best days of your life. 

the stuff we're all told as kids, as teens... as young adults, its all true. I don't know why we fight it.  why we thought at age 13 that we knew it all and that our parents just "don't get me". by the time we "get it", its far too late, time stares us right in the face and blurts "HA! YOU'RE 27"

I am terrified to tears that my girls will one day feel the same way. I wish I could somehow skip it, or maybe just have super complacent, obedient children... HA! but they are mine.... so that's an absolute joke. I already see Liberty's personality being too big to handle more days than not...

I just want to be a good mom. I want to be a role model for them, I've got a lot of work to do but the only way to lead is by example. All I can do is be the very best me and hope it makes a positive impact on my babies. They need to see me actively pursuing God. They need to hear me appreciate myself...I need to love myself, eating right, staying active. Speaking kindly to those around... all those good things. I wish I could say at this point in life I've got it together and I'm fairly proud of myself, but that's far from true. But SHIT, if my girls aren't reason enough to be the best me I can be, the me God intended me to be, then.. well I may aswell give up and just dig my grave now, 

The world is unkind and it's far too easy to lose hope, but if I can raise my girls to be aware of that and at the same time not lose hope, to always look for the good in everyone and everything....I want them to grow up as friends, not enemies. I want them to know, to really know that family is everything and to always build each other up rather than tear down. To be kind when no one else is. I wish, hope, pray daily that I will be able to raise them up on solid, unshakeable foundations so they never have to go through the hell on earth that I put myself and those around me through. I can only cling to hope that they will one day know that I understand. and that they have a heavenly father who understands beyond that, a father who says He will never leave nor forsake them. A father who's plan for their lives is much grander than they or I could ever imagine. 

Full Circle

I'm in a rut. what else is new
I don't know if it's all the recent days of gloom. The lack of sleep or the postpartum. It could be the aftermath of adding a newborn to the almost impossible task of trekking through the terrible twos with nothing but caffeine and a whole lotta grace... a combination of it all most likely. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been beating myself up over my poor blog maintenance, I've seriously neglected it long enough to get pregnant & have a now 2 month old (along with the 2 year old).  whatever it is, I've just been sitting here in this muddy pit for a bit. So I decided, that whenever I had the tiniest bit of free time, I'd use it to write. What could it hurt? I mean, its my blog right. What does it matter how I start back up again, as long as I do it. That's what it all boils down to anyways- actually doing it ( whatever "it" may be) Am I right?

Writing.. journaling. getting it out! It feels gooood. It's healthy.

Amusing.. when I read back on my previous posts and think to myself - wow i'm always writing about the same stuff. the same ups and the same downs. give or take a few variables. but really, its a never ending pattern. life man, life. were all just here trying. over and over. 

What I have noticed, is that most of my lows stem directly from me straying off from my walk with God. When I don't pray, its leads to not reading my Bible or devotionals.. which in tales not much fellowship with others... yada yada. it snowballs quickly.. If I decided to stop communications, things tend to get a little slummy. The entire time I'm down I walk around with this cloud, this rain cloud of conviction. I hear him. consciously . you think its your conscience talking to you, your "gut". no. its God. asking, begging, almosting demanding to be noticed. A creator, a father just dying for a relationship with us.  "just talk to me. trust me." 

If I'm being honest here, this post is taking me more than just some spare time to finish up.. I have no real reason for this post... therefore I don't really have an end for it.. unless it decides to become something from here on out until the random, abrupt end..

The suns been shining so I've been smiling. I'm absolutely a solar powered person. I've started 1 Corinthians, at His persistent request of course, also intend to open up Mathew and Mark.
Love. love is the answer. love is what its all about. the Lord Jesus Christ came to this world to be a living example of love.. to give us all the tools to fight our flesh and live the most righteous life possible.

So this week...and all the rest to follow, my goal will be to perpetuate love. I'm to be a living example of love.  No, I'll never be perfect, but that's not even the goal. the goal is to  l o v e    . Love the way the Lord intended. Just imagine the world if everybody lived love.
J u s t  a  t h o u g h t .