We'll Be Outside

"We see in nature clear marks of design, and design argues a creator." Spurgeon

how beautifully put. Such a gentle touch of truth. I'm not familiar with Spurgeon, but I have stumbled upon his quotes more than once and they resonate deep, leaving a lasting impression. I think we may find our way to the library so I can check out an actual book- something Spurgeon,..

From the deepest part of me grows this desire to be outside, barefoot in the sunshine. It's the littlest, simplest, most natural form of happiness to me. It's how I picture my daughters growing up. A favorite daydream.. them splashing in a small stream long side our property, picking apples from our favorite tree for an afternoon snack.. A day spent in the garden or a stroll in the woods, a roll in the grass... I want to spend rainy days on a screened in porch and chilly nights around a fire under the glow of stars... 

Yes, yes, call me a dreamer and I'll claim it confidently. I think its the best thing to be.

Children are better off outside. collecting sticks, picking flowers..They know it.  Just ask them. 

as you can see, Liberty is in a serious dress phase and I'm always wearing Loretta.

We're slowly making the transition out of hibernation and things are good. God, I love spring.
Soon I'll be spending all my money on plants and ice cream.

Spare Key

Yesterday started off like any other day packed with errands- other than not having coffee creamer- so first stop was Dunkin Donuts for fuel. Then we hit up the commissary for last minute groceries, cat food, litter, and snacks for our TRIP HOME THIS WEEKEND (excitement)  since this mama still doesn't have a dress for Steeplechase/Wedding/Easter and because I'll make any excuse to thrift we decided to try our luck at one of the local goodwills. This is where my day fell apart. I did it guys. I did the very thing I consciously avoid, the thing I have nightmares about - I locked my first born in the car. along with my phone and both sets of car keys. The car was off and she was still strapped in her seat. you know that very second of instant regret and sheer terror 
*shuts door, all color leaves face, ears get hot and sweat pours from body.
Now, we can take a moment to thank God that Loretta was already in the tula and that it was only 55 degrees out.
I pounced on the nearest shopper with a face full of tears and a mouth full of almost words - really happy they were able to understand my desperate need for their cell phone. I called 911 and relayed my horror story to the very calm women on the other end. once she told me an officer (who couldn't help me) was on the way, I stood by the car and cried.
I couldn't believe I was the mom who locked her kid in the car.
After what felt like half the day, the officer arrived..  then another officer - who said he was just in the area & bored- oh yeah lets not forget the ambulance showing up. they said it was just to make sure all was well, but I know they really showed up just to panic me more- whatever.
The officer informed me that much to his disagreement of new policies, he could do nothing for me but call a locksmith. He asked me if that's what I wanted to do- like, as if there was another option or like I was going to say "awe, no, thanks anyways, I'll just wait until she learns how to unlock it herself." YES, CALL A LOCKSMITH PO MAN!

anyways, we waited another eternity for mr. pop-a-lock to show up with his fancy wire hanger and strange blood pressure device, slid it all in the door and POP. MY KID!!  "that will be $40 ma'am" (there goes my goodwill money)

after all was said and done she must have spent 25 minutes max in the car and had only started with the tears and looks of "whatthefuckmom" in the last 5.
the team of help dispersed & a million sorrys were spoken. Lets hope this wont be her first memory.
lesson learned - don't keep your spare key in the car.

Forward Motion

I'm sure I've written a post similar to this before, but that's because its such a big part of life. Motion. An object in motion stays in motion. whatever something is doing, it wants to keep doing it. I don't know about you but I am an EXTREME creature of habit. I always have pepperoni on my pizza (and pick off half of it), my coffee order has been the same since my very first order. When it comes to ice cream, I always choose chocolate over fruit- actually I choose chocolate over fruit no matter what. I like being home, I like talking to the same people and going to sleep in my own bed. New things trigger tiny bursts of anxiety inside of me. So adjusting to motherhood was a challenge (even though its what I always wanted) and then, trying to adjust to being a mother of two under 2 had proven to be a very big challenge. I find myself more often than not choosing to stay home, inside where its "easiest" to keep up with the littles. The thought of trying to do things paralyzes me, they are my biggest excuses not to do something (if there's an excuse, i'm guaranteed to find it- another habit of mine) I so quickly forget about my strengths and dwell on my weaknesses. I forget that my life has a grand purpose outside the walls of my home. I am to trust the promises of my heavenly father.
As much as my inner introvert desires stillness and sameness, my restlessness is growing obnoxious and my two year old is dying for something exciting- but my anxiety hasn't steadied any, and my two year olds listening skills haven't improved.. This is exactly where the enemy wants me, down and discouraged.
But lately, my convictions have been too loud to ignore. As a Christian I know the truth, and that should be all the motivation I need to get up and get out.
"go and make disciples of nations" - commanded the Lord. How can I go and do anything if I can't even get myself up and out of the house? I've got to swallow by pride and confront the fears.

Sunday, I acted on a loud and long lasting conviction-  I went to church. I left my oldest at home with the husband. I cried on the way there and shed a few tears at random during the service. I fought back tears while introducing myself to other people and held back my "poor pitiful me" sob story when they asked how I was doing. (we can save that for the second meeting lol) It was hard, but I did it.
You make think its a silly thing to feel proud about, but for me- its a grand accomplishment. baby steps
I think I'm scared that God is going to call me out of my comfort zone... actually I know he will. Nothing great was ever done within the zone of comfort. - terrifying!
but, how incredible. We were all given breath in our lungs for a reason. We have different talents and desires to use for the glory of God. One person can't possibly impact the entire world  but each individual is equipped with the tools to impact some and if each individual reaches some then together the goal is to reach all - to reach nations, If he is all he claim to be then I should have nothing to fear!! I just want to practice what I preach, I want to allow God to work through me. I need to remove all the junk- all the friction slowing me down and follow my heart.

Change my course of action so that it lines up with your perfect will. Make me a creature of heavenly habits.  I'm all in.

In other non preachy news. we went to the park because this mama was all like " hey! todays is a great day to strap on the bean, throw the tot in the stroller. headphones in and a podcast on, lets keep a pace and soak up some vitD" hahaha right. because today would be the day Loretta doesn't want to be in the tula and  seriously, whats the point in having a stroller if you have a kid that can walk on their own... and stop every 3 minutes... Woosah at least we made it out of the house for a little bit.

Bare with me.

MAN, past few days here have been rough. My fuse is short and my emotions are endless. My anxiety has my by the throat. The highs and lows of motherhood are something serious and then go ahead and add the nonstop rain, which keeps us inside because it makes mud and lots of it.. or in our case, here in middle tenn. sticky, wet clay, that no amount of soap will wash out of your clothes. play clothes here should just be called "clay clothes". it sucks, because even when its a beautiful day out - there's clay. it's practically undiggable and you know toddlers, they just want to dig in dirt. So what does she do? She finds the potted plants to play in... not much dirt left in those suckers- poor lil plants. and don't even get me started on the number of times shes dug up the potatoes I buried... and continue to bury..
Let's just add the icing to this cake of misery and talk about marriage and that emotional rollercoaster. it's like going 1000 miles an hour having the time of your life the you get hit in the face by a pigeon and the ride never stops. SHIT! I love that man, but if you ask me today, I'd say I'm so over it. It sucks that us (most, because some lucky ladies have found that rare magic gem of a man) women  have to  s p e l l  out everything. like, "dude can you just hug me right now and tell me it will be okay?!" Even then, they don't get it. I guess it has a lot to do with godliness. If a man (or woman) is without God, than all he's left with is selfishness. There's no other purpose for living really, if its not for the glory of something greater than yourself. Not saying a godly man is a perfect man, I'm just saying he's probably got his priorities in order and has an easier time identifying the needs of others.

I pray my girls find themselves a God fearing man to love them the way they were intended to be loved. Never settle. I pray they are treated as queens, appreciated and adored every single day of their lives. I pray that they never forget their worth. They are more precious than gold. They are daughters of a King.

I know as the spiritual one in the relationship I am to be a light- a shinning example to him and all around me of the love of Christ.. I know this, yet daily I fail. Daily my flesh gets the best of me and my thoughts are controlled by bitterness. Christianity is, and must be constant. It is a way of life, not something you do occasionally, or when its most convenient You cannot pick and choose what to believe and when. God is very direct and most consistent.

Mama always told me the C in my name stood for Complain. I used to hate it when she would point it out, but now as an adult, I see and understand. I take ownership of it. It is one of my many flaws.  
But mama also reminds me that Love keeps no record of wrong doing. hows that for some conviction. so yeah this post is not to drive you crazy on my train of complaints only to end up stuck on bitter mountain. Its simply to vent, to run it out and move on. It's to let you know your not alone in the struggles of everyday ordinary life Tomorrow is a completely new day and I refuse to let today take up any space in it. So, with that being said, I forgive my husband, now and always because its the right thing to do. I love him, flaws and all. It is what God does for me and he also does it daily. No one is perfect but love, just loves anyways. 

End rant. 

Solid Foundations

I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but the way I pictured it was quite different from reality. I imagined a whole baseball team of boys, all summer babies. but God gives you what you need more often then what you want, so here I am, mama to two little girls one november and one december. The thought of having girls absolutely terrified me... I would think about all the bad decisions I made growing up, all my mistakes. I think back to the pure hell I put my poor parents through. Good parents, parents who seriously never gave me a bit of bad advice. but I still fought them, over and over. I remember feelings of genuine hate for my mother at the age of 16, the very same woman who I now consider my best friend, my confidant. The person I still call everyday for advice on this or to vent about that.. she gets it- because shes been there and although I see it so clearly now...why, why was I so damn angry. why was I filled with such rage so young? I was trying to please the world, and God just wasn't "cool" I put everything I was on a shelf, I was trying to be pretty on the outside and forgot all about the inside. I can only wait and watch my girls grow into themselves, knowing they are going to make all their own mistakes and it fucking tears me apart, I'm going to tell them all the same things my mom and dad told me. I'm going to go out of my mind with worry the first time they leave me. I don't want to shelter them.. or hold them back,  I just want to be real with them. I want them to know to really know that I, nor their father, will ever, ever give them bad advice. 

Time Flies. Enjoy being a kid. Don't grow up too fast. He's no good for you. She's trouble. Eat right. Exercise. These are the best days of your life. 

the stuff we're all told as kids, as teens... as young adults, its all true. I don't know why we fight it.  why we thought at age 13 that we knew it all and that our parents just "don't get me". by the time we "get it", its far too late, time stares us right in the face and blurts "HA! YOU'RE 27"

I am terrified to tears that my girls will one day feel the same way. I wish I could somehow skip it, or maybe just have super complacent, obedient children... HA! but they are mine.... so that's an absolute joke. I already see Liberty's personality being too big to handle more days than not...

I just want to be a good mom. I want to be a role model for them, I've got a lot of work to do but the only way to lead is by example. All I can do is be the very best me and hope it makes a positive impact on my babies. They need to see me actively pursuing God. They need to hear me appreciate myself...I need to love myself, eating right, staying active. Speaking kindly to those around... all those good things. I wish I could say at this point in life I've got it together and I'm fairly proud of myself, but that's far from true. But SHIT, if my girls aren't reason enough to be the best me I can be, the me God intended me to be, then.. well I may aswell give up and just dig my grave now, 

The world is unkind and it's far too easy to lose hope, but if I can raise my girls to be aware of that and at the same time not lose hope, to always look for the good in everyone and everything....I want them to grow up as friends, not enemies. I want them to know, to really know that family is everything and to always build each other up rather than tear down. To be kind when no one else is. I wish, hope, pray daily that I will be able to raise them up on solid, unshakeable foundations so they never have to go through the hell on earth that I put myself and those around me through. I can only cling to hope that they will one day know that I understand. and that they have a heavenly father who understands beyond that, a father who says He will never leave nor forsake them. A father who's plan for their lives is much grander than they or I could ever imagine.