Solid Foundations

I always knew I wanted to be a mother, but the way I pictured it was quite different from reality. I imagined a whole baseball team of boys, all summer babies. but God gives you what you need more often then what you want, so here I am, mama to two little girls one november and one december. The thought of having girls absolutely terrified me... I would think about all the bad decisions I made growing up, all my mistakes. I think back to the pure hell I put my poor parents through. Good parents, parents who seriously never gave me a bit of bad advice. but I still fought them, over and over. I remember feelings of genuine hate for my mother at the age of 16, the very same woman who I now consider my best friend, my confidant. The person I still call everyday for advice on this or to vent about that.. she gets it- because shes been there and although I see it so clearly now...why, why was I so damn angry. why was I filled with such rage so young? I was trying to please the world, and God just wasn't "cool" I put everything I was on a shelf, I was trying to be pretty on the outside and forgot all about the inside. I can only wait and watch my girls grow into themselves, knowing they are going to make all their own mistakes and it fucking tears me apart, I'm going to tell them all the same things my mom and dad told me. I'm going to go out of my mind with worry the first time they leave me. I don't want to shelter them.. or hold them back,  I just want to be real with them. I want them to know to really know that I, nor their father, will ever, ever give them bad advice. 

Time Flies. Enjoy being a kid. Don't grow up too fast. He's no good for you. She's trouble. Eat right. Exercise. These are the best days of your life. 

the stuff we're all told as kids, as teens... as young adults, its all true. I don't know why we fight it.  why we thought at age 13 that we knew it all and that our parents just "don't get me". by the time we "get it", its far too late, time stares us right in the face and blurts "HA! YOU'RE 27"

I am terrified to tears that my girls will one day feel the same way. I wish I could somehow skip it, or maybe just have super complacent, obedient children... HA! but they are mine.... so that's an absolute joke. I already see Liberty's personality being too big to handle more days than not...

I just want to be a good mom. I want to be a role model for them, I've got a lot of work to do but the only way to lead is by example. All I can do is be the very best me and hope it makes a positive impact on my babies. They need to see me actively pursuing God. They need to hear me appreciate myself...I need to love myself, eating right, staying active. Speaking kindly to those around... all those good things. I wish I could say at this point in life I've got it together and I'm fairly proud of myself, but that's far from true. But SHIT, if my girls aren't reason enough to be the best me I can be, the me God intended me to be, then.. well I may aswell give up and just dig my grave now, 

The world is unkind and it's far too easy to lose hope, but if I can raise my girls to be aware of that and at the same time not lose hope, to always look for the good in everyone and everything....I want them to grow up as friends, not enemies. I want them to know, to really know that family is everything and to always build each other up rather than tear down. To be kind when no one else is. I wish, hope, pray daily that I will be able to raise them up on solid, unshakeable foundations so they never have to go through the hell on earth that I put myself and those around me through. I can only cling to hope that they will one day know that I understand. and that they have a heavenly father who understands beyond that, a father who says He will never leave nor forsake them. A father who's plan for their lives is much grander than they or I could ever imagine.