Returning Home

 Be easy.

Take your time.

you are coming

home.

to yourself.

The Becoming-Wing- by Nayyirah Waheed

This quote found me many years ago floating around the vortex of Pinterest, pinned it & revisit it often. It found a familiar place in my heart the moment I read it. May as well have knocked on my door unannounced,  came in gave me a squeeze & plopped down on my couch, (intending to stay awhile I'm sure...) and there she still sits.  I'm so glad she did. We've been friends ever since.

We all need friends like that.

More often than not I find myself combating the lies of loneliness. Somehow I can convince myself that I don't have anyone to call, anyone to talk to. That no one actually wants to sit on my couch or hear what I have to say. 

How crazy is that right? Because it's a lie! A powerful, loud lie. A lie that also just shows up. Unannounced, in the middle of the night, waking you up. Probably using your kitchen to make a 3 coarse meal with no cleaning up so you not only wake up grumpy, but now you have to wash dishes at 7am.. I digress..

When I became a mother, like the moment I gave birth, unbeknownst to me, I was also the lucky winner of a one way ticket to the forbidden forrest of "Go Find Yourself". Furthermore I wasn't made aware of the fine print that I would later learn reads "this is a journey of a life time. don't worry. you already have everything you need."

As I road home from the hospital with my husband and newborn daughter, I was also traveling to a place I had no control over. A place I would have to work my way out of. My mind unleashed a whole new flock of concerns, dreams, goals, fears... I cried tears. I arrived home a completely different person . I was completely lost in uncharted territory. Theres no map for motherhood. 

Nearly seven years and four kids later I'm sorry to announce, I'm still lost, it's just that the woods aren't so thick + dark these days. It's easier to find the sunshine. I've learned a lot about myself.

Navigating motherhood has been so much more than trying to keep little humans alive. I think we're re all meant to start out as lost mothers. This is how we learn to ask for help. This is when we learn to guard our energy and seek out likeminded spirits. Build a village. It's when we gain a new understanding and earn a first hand experience in the beautiful art of sacrifice. We learn what we are really made of, what our minds and body are actually capable of. 

Admittedly, I spent a lot of years way more lost than I needed to be, way more angry than I had to be, but I grew a little more with each failure, every poor decision, all the wrong turns brought me closer to where I needed to be- even if I usually end up taking the long road. I learn the hard way, what can I say. 

Back to the quote.. It's been like a best friend, the coziest sweater, the creamiest latte, the cheesiest mac, you get what I'm saying. It's something I revisit time and time again. It brings me back to center and reminds me that God made me so much more than a mother, or even wife. Im not just a kickass domestic engineer, but a child of God with a purpose that I probably have only tasted. I'm reward every time I still myself and listen to His voice speaking softly to me when I feel my lowest or my most frazzled. 

You never know what tools God is going to scatter along your journey to help ease your weary traveled heart, but He does. Over and over and over, He never gets tired of it. He wants us to turn to Him... the key is, you ask to ask. Reach out, whisper the screams of your heart to the Lord who loves you, the one who literally created you to do some major things for His kingdom. He's going to come through every time. Are you quiet enough to hear it or still enough to see it? ... I gotta stop yelling at these kids..

I really want to stand before Him one day and hear His voice say "Well done Candice." Not out of the woods yet, but I keep wandering. I'm returning home one step at a time.